Welp.

There you go. There isn’t any real easy way to lead into this, is there? The title kinda gives it all away.  Honestly, this is not something I’m super excited to share with the world on the internet. In the big wide world there are lots of people with lots of opinions that I’m afraid to hear. But then there’s you. You, who may be just like me last year. Struggling over and over again and wondering what’s right and what’s wrong.

I’m not here to say what’s right and wrong. But I’m here to tell you what I’ve learned through my journey, in hopes that you may feel comfortable to share yours, too. And maybe take a step that you’ve been unsure of.

Anxiety is stupid. That’s how I feel deep down. I hate it. It’s taking over the world and I hate feeling like I’m just jumping on the bandwagon. But reality is reality, and ignoring what’s real doesn’t make it go away. I believe with my whole heart that anxiety is not God’s plan for my life. Or for yours. But I also believe just as much that every single thing that happens to me has been approved by God. He is sovereign and all-powerful, and even though we can’t really make sense of it, He says yes or no to anything that our enemy throws at us. I know. It feels super yucky and just not like God to let this kind of stuff happen to us. Just to be clear: God doesn’t cause it; but He does allow it.

I finally got tired. So I found myself in therapy for over a year. In our very first meeting, we discussed that medication for my anxiety was an option and I was absolutely not down for that. I cut her off real fast and said, “Thanks, but no. That’s why I’m here with you.” Because here is what I believed: If I accept medication to help my anxiety, I am not trusting in God to heal me.

I told you I’m not here to argue about what’s right and wrong. But I will tell you right now:

It’s just not true.

I fought so hard. For a very long time. I did all the self-care. I talked through all the things. I prayed with the authority given to me by Jesus Christ against spirits of fear and control. And I believe that I am free of them because of Jesus. And, yet… I found myself unable to get out of the cycle. Like a spinning ride that wouldn’t stop long enough to let me off. The irritability for no reason. The super high emotions. The non-stop thoughts.

But how? How can I say that I trust in God to heal me and choose something else to try to fix me? What kind of example am I to my kids if I don’t trust God all the way? I felt like I wouldn’t be trusting Him. Like I was giving up on Him and giving into the world

And then it dawned on me: I was making the people closest to me miserable. They didn’t know what kind of mood I’d be in or how I would react. They didn’t know if what they said would set me off. And like a ton of bricks, it hit me that the way I was currently living wasn’t honoring God. In my attempt to muscle through and prove my faithfulness, I was living a life opposite of what I wanted.

So instead of giving in to something that I felt pulled me away from God, I believe that this choice was an even bigger act of faith. I trusted God more by allowing Him to heal me in a way I didn’t expect. It didn’t feel spiritual. It didn’t feel like faith. But it was absolutely an act of surrender.

The enemy uses anxiety for evil. But right now; even now, as it’s happening, God promises to turn it for good. He’s drawing you into deeper trust and desperation and need for everything that He is. Even right now, as it’s swirling around you, God is beginning to shift and turn what was meant to harm you.

So let me just ask you: are you clinging to a belief about what you should do based on knowledge or someone else’s opinion? Or are you allowing God to truly lead your decisions when it comes to your healing? Sometimes we’re healed instantly by God’s supernatural hand. And sometimes we’re healed by His hand through someone else. Through a medication. Through surgery. Through therapy. In our attempt to trust God, we’re actually ignoring some of the amazing gifts He’s given us.

I’ve been putting off this post for months. But why? I take medication for asthma and allergies, and I don’t mind telling anyone. Why is this any different?

The cycle of shame has got to be broken. And it starts with each of us. It starts with me, and then it continues with you. Calling out the struggle and the lies. Looking each other in the eye and saying, “Me, too.”

Can I tell you something? I’m still dealing with it. Anxiety, I mean. I still have days where I spin and wonder how I’m going to make it. Where the cycle of thought is just never ending and I want off of the ride. I feel like I’m failing and like I’ve started back over.

But because of Jesus, I know I’m free. Some days it’s a second by second battle of will and surrender, but I know the truth. God tells me in Philippians 4 not to be anxious. But in His perfect will for me, He’s allowed it in my world. So I’m gonna do everything that He’s given me in my own power to not be anxious. And I’m going to trust in His infinite power  for healing, peace and joy.

I don’t have all the answers. But I have a God who chose me and I believe is proud that I let go of my definition of my own healing process.

This isn’t about how God did it for me. This is about how He wants to do it in you. So let’s talk about it. Drop a comment somewhere in here or text a friend or see a therapist. You are not alone.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.”

[Genesis 50:20]