why am i so complicated?
Have you ever asked yourself a version of this question? If not, feel free to give up on this blog. But for those of you who find yourselves trapped in this thought sometimes, welcome to the journey with me. Fairly often, I find myself questioning my thought processes, my emotions, what bothers me and why. Every once and a while, I get particularly stuck and frustrated and spend a good bit of time asking God why on earth He would make me this way.
Your questions or thoughts may resound with one or more of these statements:
Why am I so sensitive? Why can’t I let that go? Why does that make me so angry? Why can’t I just be content where I am?
Know the feeling?
I know one person in my life who I am convinced has never had this thought. My darling five-year-old, Olivia. A few weeks ago, right at bedtime, we were gifted with a pretty amazing lightning storm. She and I laid in her bed, opened all of the blinds, and watched the sky light up for a good twenty minutes. It was one of those moments where I felt very present. I knew this was a beautiful and memorable experience, and I was there for it. While we laid there, I could hear her mumbling something. Then, as another flash lit up the sky, she yelled, “God heard me! I didn’t even finish asking Him for a big lightening and He answered me!”
Yes, I know. Heart swelling. Proud mom moment. I told her, “Yes! He hears you!”
But in my mind, I thought, “You are so lucky to still be so innocent to believe that all of this lightning was just for you.”
And just as quickly as He answered Olivia with lightening, He answered me by saying,
“I have blessed you with a complex mind.”
All week long, I had been questioning myself and asking God why I was so complicated. Without using audible words, I felt Him saying in my heart: You are just as blessed to know so much about the world and still trust and be in awe of Me. I have gifted you to be able to think, reason and weigh – and yet, still trust Me.
And so for the past week or so, God has been teaching me what a gift it is to be complicated and complex.
Who on earth decided that complicated equated to negativity? We stay away from relationships if they are too complicated. We give up on problems when they are too complex for us. We’ve decided that if it’s complicated, it must be negative. If we can’t make sense of it, then one of two things must be true: either we are bad, or it is bad.
If you have a hard time believing God’s opinion on the subject, then look at our language’s definition of these words:
Complicated: consisting of parts intricately combined
Complex: a whole made up of complicated or interrelated parts
These have no negative connotations. It is simply intricate, intertwined. The opposite of complicated is simple. One dimensional. No color, no depth, no real life.
If we’re honest, none of us want to be simple or uniform. It is our complexity that makes us unique and proves God’s masterful handiwork in each of our lives.
Complexity is not a curse. It is a badge of honor – an honor to be a whole made of intricately combined parts. It is an honor not to be simple or one-dimensional. Our complexity leads us to deeper questions, stronger relationship with the One who made us. As we seek to understand ourselves, we can’t help but find Him there. At the very core of our being – it’s Him. The Creator. His fingerprints are all over it; all over us. They’re in the intricate parts of us that make us feel messy and twisted up. It doesn’t say anywhere in the Bible that it is God’s intention to untangle us and to make us more simple. His intention is simply that we become more like Him.
And let’s be real – nowhere does God say that He himself is simple. God is mysterious and complex. So much so, that we can barely figure out how to define or make sense of the three parts that make Him a whole.
It is a gift to understand the goodness of God on a deeper level. To understand suffering and anxiety and trust anyway. It is a gift to trust in His sovereignty even when so much is out of my control.
God never says, I will work in spite of your complicated self. He says: I have purposefully made you wonderfully complex.
The next time you find yourself berating your heart or your mind because you can’t figure you out: take a deep breath. You were intentionally made to be mysteriously complex. There were no mistakes or oversights.
Instead of asking “why?”, we have the beautiful opportunity to ask “what?”
God, what else do you want to teach me about Yourself?
What new facet of Your character do You want to reveal to me?
What is in me that You want to take out so that I can see You more clearly?
What do You want to show me about myself?
My friend, You’ve been intentionally, creatively and complexly designed completely on purpose. What a gift.
You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside
and my intricate outside,
and wove them all together in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex!
Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking.
It simply amazes me to think about it!
How thoroughly you know me, Lord!
You even formed every bone in my body
when you created me in the secret place;
carefully, skillfully you shaped me from nothing to something.
You saw who you created me to be before I became me!
[Psalm 139:13-16 TPT]