“Mommy, watch!”

“Look at me!”

“Watch this!”

These are the words I feel like I hear most often throughout my day. On repeat. My daughter lately wants to do very cool things with her hands in the car and screams at me until I can turn around. So eventually I just give up and tell her that I’m driving, and she’ll have to wait. That is not an acceptable answer to her. Some days I unsafely crane my neck around to see, and other days I just give into her very apparent unhappiness with me.

Staying at home with two small kids, it is my job to watch them. I care for the house, and care for my family. As a parent, it’s my job to love and raise and nurture and teach – but let’s be honest, the majority of this time is spent just making sure they stay alive. Dressing, feeding, keeping from falling down the stairs. I look at them all day. I watch them and make sure their face is clean and take them to the potty and cut their food into squares instead of triangles.

I watch them. So on most days, I don’t see them.

I’m so tired and my eyes are so accustomed to their faces that I don’t see their wonder, their crazy laughter, the way they’re growing and learning new things.

You know when I usually tend to really see them? When I’m observing them with someone else. I remember this even when they were babies. I remember watching my newborns being held by someone else, and I could see them differently. Even from a different angle, they suddenly looked bigger, sweeter… I could see them.

This still happens. This past week I watched them interact with new people. I watched Brady thoughtfully share his snacks with other kids without worrying how many he had for himself. I watched Olivia run up to my friends and just kiss them on the cheek for no reason, and dance when no one was watching. I watched other people listen intently to their stories and laugh at their hilarious personalities.

I watched my husband listen to an older lady share fifteen stories about her life, too polite to try to get away. I watched him worship and pray. I watched him teach my kids how to play “Go Fish” with so much patience.

I don’t want to miss it.

And so my prayer lately has become, God, help me to see them.

Instead of worrying that they’re well-behaved, help me to see them.

Instead of rushing from get from here to there, help me to see them.

Instead of focusing how to discipline, help me to see them.

Instead of nagging and giving to-do lists, God, help me see them.

To be seen is to be known. And to be known is to be loved. 

I want to love them well. The people that God has entrusted on purpose to me. The kind of love that accepts, that intentionally chooses. The kind of love that forgives and listens.

My prayer for me and for you is that you would ask God to help you see those who you love most. To see them with His eyes is to love them fully.

When I see them, I enjoy them more, I value them, my perspective is shifted. Through them, God shows me glimpses of His massive love and grace for me.

Take time today to set aside something that is on your list and see them.

Know them. Love them.

Most likely, you will feel seen and loved in return.

 

“Most fall, love each other as if your life depended on it.                                                         Love makes up for practically anything.”                                                                                          1 Peter 4:8

 

Dear everyone, I love my bed.

Like, really really love.  Have you ever been away from home so long you feel like you actually might sacrifice one of your limbs just to be back in your own sheets with your own pillow on your own mattress?

The past 10 days, we spent time traipsing all over Massachusetts. My husband spoke at a youth camp, we visited my family, we went to a marriage celebration cookout, we ate at my sister’s five-star restaurant. It was a seriously full and blessed time. I have felt undeserving to have so many fulfilling experiences. But also, I missed my bed. We slept on camp mattresses and couches. Y’all. My body pillow did not make the trip. I told my husband I loved him, but when we pulled into our house at 4 am, I had a date with that body pillow. And I won’t lie to you, it was all I imagined it to be.

Have you ever thought about how the places we call “home” change over time? The places that give you comfort and a sense of belonging – they shift. What used to be foreign and new is now where you crave to be.

The thing about it, though, is that if I’m sleeping in a fancy hotel bed, I can spare some time away from my own. The times that I’m dying to be in my own bed is when I’m uncomfortable somewhere else.

I am sure you’ve heard it said before that following Jesus isn’t meant to be comfortable. But to be honest, I don’t think most of us believe that. I think we have an acceptable idea in our head of what kind of “discomfort” we’d be willing to go through. Like, the tolerable, sleeping on a damp camp mattress kind of uncomfortable.

Jesus does so much through our discomfort and our pain. So much more than I’ll mention in these few words. But God has planted eternity in the human heart [Ecc. 3:11]. This life isn’t meant to be uncomfortable just so we can learn something through the process. This life is uncomfortable because we aren’t home yet. If we loved everything about our life here on earth, we would never long for heaven. Our souls wouldn’t have an innate desire for something more.

We feel it – and we don’t know how to name it. The ache for peace. The longing for true calm, for deep joy and to be without pain. The truth is, that’s what we were made for. We were made to spend eternity with our Creator. You are not home yet. There’s a reason that pain and suffering and injustice just can’t settle right in our souls. They aren’t supposed to.

 

Why should any of this matter to you? You still have to live life. You’re here for a purpose. Are we just stuck waiting? What are we supposed to do while we’re here?

We are supposed to:

“Set your mind and keep focused habitually on the things above [the heavenly things], not on things that are on the earth [which only have temporal value].” Colossians 3:2

Paul continues in 4 more verses explaining what kind of earthly things we don’t need to worry about, since we are a new creation. Putting to death in your mind the earthly things of: immorality, impurity, lust, greed, anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, dirty language, lying… go read it for yourself in verses 5-9.

But because we are chosen, because our home is still waiting for us – we choose to think on heavenly things. And this list is so much more beautiful. Mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love, peace, and thankfulness. (verses 12-16)

“And over all these virtues, put on love.” v. 14

When people cut you off on the highway.

When your best friend deserts you.

When you experience loss that causes you to doubt.

When you’re in physical pain that just doesn’t seem fair.

When you’ve waited for miracles, wondering if they’ll ever come.

When you wonder if anyone notices you.

When the days are just long, routine, and you wonder if you’re making any difference.

You’re not meant to settle down and be comfy. You’re not supposed to cuddle up with your body pillow, work hard until you can retire and then relax. So until we’re home for real, we love. We live with and for God, seeking to bring as many people home with us as we can. We trust Him when we feel uncomfortable in our own world. It’s only with Him we find our comfort and our sense of belonging. We find our home and ourselves in Him.

 

“For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” Hebrews 13:14

My son’s memory is really incredible.

I have to be super careful with what I tell him. Whether it’s what we’re having for dinner, or our plans for the day – it better happen in the order that I told him, or I will hear about it for days. I can trust his memory usually better than my own. Does this mean I’m old? I’m hoping to chalk it up to Mom-Brain and leave it at that.

I love how his little brain works, and I’m so impressed with him all the time. But have you ever been shown something about yourself by seeing it in your kids? Sometimes it’s good stuff, like, they get their witty humor from you, or their cute nose from their dad. I’ve started to see something that I’ve been a little unaware of until this past year:

Control.

For him, his toys have to be played in the “right” way. If he’s coloring on a piece of paper, and his sister tries to draw anything on it, it’s ruined. It’s got to be his way. I am pretty sure this is just a kid thing. We’re naturally selfish people and we think we know best – and we want things the way we want them. It starts so early!

Unfortunately, I think our world has made control a diagnosis only. There are those who are Type A, control freaks, OCD, and then there are those who aren’t. If you had asked me six months ago, I wouldn’t put myself very high on the control spectrum. I considered myself pretty laid back, flexible.

As long as things are going the way I think they should.

I believe in Jesus’ eyes, there are two sides: Those who fight for control for their own lives, and those who surrender. Sure, most days, we fall somewhere in the middle. We swing from side to side. We open up our hands, drop our needs at His feet, and then pick them back up again.

Our culture is plagued with anxiety. Seriously. From elementary school to nursing homes, we are worried, stressed and anxious. Anxiety is real, and there are very real ways to cope with it.

But if we, as Christ followers, stepped back and looked at the reasons we find ourselves tense, worked up, and anxious, I would bet it all lands back to control. We fight for it, and it’s not ours to hold.

The freedom from control lies in our surrender.

You may not think this is a struggle for you. Let me just challenge you:

Do you care what others think of you?

Do you worry about having well-behaved kids who others are impressed with?

Are you worried about your future?

Do you fight with other people because they never see things the way you do?

Are you afraid to bring certain things to God because you’re afraid of his response?

Are you afraid to trust that if you let go, God will truly see you through?

The areas where we feel the need for control usually indicate where we are lacking trust.

How do I know I’m feeling out of control?

I clean. I’ve learned that when I can’t control the things around me, I find something else I can control. It’s not necessarily bad – but it’s not the answer. When I’m worried, feeling out of control – the only answer is Him.

The peace comes from declaring once again, to myself and to Him, that He is God and I’m not. That I trust His ways and that He’ll care for me when I have no idea what’s going on. That He’ll help me learn to discipline my kids when I feel like I’m failing. That He has my back when other people are doing me wrong. That He wants to teach me how to love others who think differently than me. That He will not only get me through today, but He has a future planned for tomorrow.

The amazing thing is that God doesn’t fight for control, and He certainly doesn’t force our surrender.

God, the creator of all things, wants you to trust Him simply because He is trustworthy. The only One with ALL power, authority, wisdom, and every other perfect thing – will not force you to choose Him. He will wait. Because every decision He made in creating you was rooted and grounded in love.

Maybe you’re aware of the areas where you fight for control. Maybe it’s something you’ve struggled with for years. But you may be totally unsure. Ask God today what areas of your life aren’t completely turned over to Him. Where are you struggling to trust Him?  Where is control hiding in your life? Ask, and He will answer.

 

“Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you His heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you… Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.” Psalms 37:4-7

 

Have you read these blogs before? I have. They are usually about being tired, or that motherhood is hard, or reminding me not to judge other moms. They’re all great. I read them and I cry because they find me at my worst and most tired moments.

Although the internet is full, I pray that these words find you at a time when you need to be seen.

Maybe it was yesterday, or last week, or right now. Maybe you’re hiding in the bathroom, or spending a few extra moments in your car. You know what I’m talking about. The days where it’s only 9 am and if you hear “Mom” one more time, you might just quit. (Whatever that means.) The days where your kids just can’t figure out how to get along. Someone is crying or pushing or being a tattle tale and you just can’t get your feet under you. Your to-do list is not only undone, but four more things have somehow been added, and also not yet done.

Where do your thoughts go on these days?

I’ll tell you mine.

They often look like: I can’t do this. I don’t even like my kids right now. How am I going to make it through the day? I’m not living up to any of the things I had hoped I would be. 

What do you believe in these days? About yourself? About God?

Regardless of what you feel or believe in the moment:

God picked you. He chose you.

He picked you to be their mom, and to be His daughter.

Yes, you.

You, with your temper that you just can’t get under control. You, feeling totally ill-equipped and unsure of how you’re supposed to discipline. You, who can’t seem to find any time with Jesus at all, let alone teach your children about Him.

He has uniquely chosen and equipped you to do everything you do in your day.  Everything He has asked of you, He will help you carry out. Everything. Changing diapers. Meal planning. Balancing the job that pays you and the job that doesn’t. Scrubbing poop out of places it should never be. Folding ten million loads of laundry. Packing lunches. Just keeping your eyes open… He’s chosen you. And He wants to help you. The only catch? You have to let Him.

Many of the other blogs I’ve read tell me, “I see you, Mama. You’ve got this!” And it sounds nice; but to be honest, it helps me zero percent. Dear person on the internet, you do not see me. I’m still here, in my house, dealing with all of this on my own, and I’ll likely never meet you.

But I’m here to tell you, woman on the internet, there is One who sees you. There is a Father who watches every hard moment that no one else will ever see. He cheers you on when you nail it, and He catches you when you feel like you’ve totally missed it. When you lie in bed at night and replay every moment you wish you could redo… to somehow be more of the mother your children deserve – He’s waiting to gently remind you that you are the one He chose for them. He wants to use your gifts and your flaws equally to love them, to teach them, and to somehow reflect His massive love.

–

It sounds so good, doesn’t it? I mean, I think so. I need to be reminded that I am their mother on purpose. And that God deemed me fit to be the one to love and raise them. But even more than that, in the unfiltered, broken moments I hope no one else ever sees – I need to be reminded that before I was anyone’s mom, I was first a daughter.

His. His daughter. Strip it down, pull all the layers back. The reason He wants to equip you for any good work is rooted in deep love.

“See what an incredible quality of love the Father has shown to us, that we would be permitted to be named and called and counted the children of God!” 1 John 3:1

He doesn’t need you to get it all right. He wants to be your dad. To teach you how insanely loved you are. And it’s in that security that you can love the little ones entrusted to you.

You can do this. I know it. But don’t take it from me. Take it from the One who gave you the job in the first place. Your kids don’t need you to get it right, they need you to love and be loved by Jesus.

“Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.                                               And the best of the three is love.”                                                                                                        1 Corinthians 13:13

Have you ever watched a baby fight sleep? Either as a parent or a babysitter – it’s literally maddening. They’re crying their eyes out, super cranky, and if they’re old enough, yelling at you, “I’M NOT TIRED!” Sure, ok, me either.

It’s so especially frustrating as a parent, because you know what’s best and they JUST WON’T GIVE IN. And you can’t settle because they can’t settle. Last week on vacation I had two days where my little girl fell asleep and napped on me at the beach. And if anything was right in the world, it was that. I could literally feel my body and my mind relax once she finally gave in and slept.

I believe my own lie sometimes that it’s easier for me when my babies sleep. I mean…it is. I can take my own nap or get stuff done or just have some silence, praise the Lord. But when I really thought about it, I know that I am content when they are resting because I know it’s what’s best for them. When they finally stop fighting and give into rest, they’re at peace with no stress, and will wake up rejuvenated and with tons of energy. I mean, a kid after a good nap is basically like a superhero.

I think it’s pretty unfair that as adults we don’t get these kind of naps, but God did give us a gift and a command — to rest.

It’s super reassuring to me that unlike me as a parent, He’s not upset or tense or anxious as our dad – but He knows what’s best. He watches us push through, tough it out, fight giving in and letting Him hold us. When we actually let go of what’s holding us back and rest in His presence, we find peace and restoration.  All of our empty places fill back up, and He gives us everything we need.

But just like kids, we don’t want to stop. We don’t want to miss anything that’s happening in front of us, and surely we are much too important to take a break. We are busy, and too much depends on us. We are strong, independent, and important. But God has a different idea of what importance and strength looks like:

“In returning and rest you shall be saved. In quietness and confident trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15

I honestly wonder what God thinks of me as I run around, busying myself and wondering why I’m so exhausted. Most of the time I believe He watches and waits, until I finally recognize that only He can truly refuel me and give me what I need.

If God, who is all-encompassing light, energy and power that goes on forever and ever, chose to take a day of rest as an example to us – then we should probably listen. By saying no to rest, we’re missing out. We’re saying a big fat “No, thanks” to one of God’s most empowering gifts. We are an exhausted generation because we don’t grab hold of what God has given us for our benefit.

Rest is so much more than a nap or a good night’s sleep. BUT. Sleep is in the Bible. Don’t count it out. “…For He grants sleep to those He loves” (Psalm 127:2). BAM. Thank you, Jesus! Don’t ignore what your body needs. However, it is more than a physical choice to lay down. Rest is a heart posture. It’s a position of your soul. It’s surrender and trust and obedience. It’s a reminder to shift the control over to the One who’s ways are perfect and always right.

Where are you busy? Is it your schedule? Are you reading this and thinking, “There is absolutely no way I could find the time”? Maybe trying to carve out a whole day of rest seems impossible to you. Find an hour. Create 20 minutes. Spend time with Him. Go on a walk. Journal. Eat a great meal and enjoy it without checking your email. Be with your family. What is life-giving to you that reminds you to put God first?

Maybe you’re able to find the physical time to rest, but your mind is busy. You worry and plan and even when your body is still, your thoughts never settle. Your soul is not at rest. It may not be about time for you, so you need to come to God with your heart at rest. To be reminded that He is not looking for performance or credentials to be proud: He has already accepted you. He longs for you to allow Him to comfort and fill you with everything you are lacking.  He’s waiting to simply do His job as your dad.

Our God, the Good Shepherd, knows us all too well. He knows that we are busy and we fight and we think we can just handle it all. So David reminds us in Psalm 23 that “He makes [us] lie down.” He makes us because He knows us. He’s the Good Shepherd and He’s a Good Father, and when we don’t take the first step to rest, He’ll pick us up and make us.

So let’s let Him.

Let’s stop fighting something He’s designed us for, and find our strength and our restoration in Him.

He’s waiting.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.”                                      Matthew 11:28-29

Have you ever wanted to see yourself from the outside?

More than randomly, I scroll through my own Instagram photos.

Tell me I’m not alone… make me feel a little less like a loser. If I am alone, I mean, that’s cool. I can take it.

I love pictures in general and look through them daily. But for some reason I’m so interested in the world other people see. It’s not all real. There are filters and forced poses and sometimes smiles from my kids that have been negotiated.

But I believe that we’re all looking to get a glimpse into what other people see. We watch other people, other families, and most of us probably wonder what the unseen looks like. Those people that we admire – what do their worst moments consist of? Do they lose their temper? What are they struggling with?

We live our own lives so closely, it’s pretty hard to get perspective. It takes a lot of hard, persistent work to be objective when it comes to your own junk, and even then, it’s biased.

It is beautiful to me that Jesus sent us a counselor in the form of the Holy Spirit. A living, moving Spirit of God living within you that can point out what’s wrong, comfort when you’re hurting, and help you fix the junk that you don’t know how to fix.

But this post is not about the Holy Spirit.

 

For years and years I have said the sentence “I think everyone should go to counseling” more times than I could count. I’ve always believed it. The problem is that either the culture we live in – or maybe just in our own, sometimes stubbornly independent brains, we view getting “help” as a last resort. We decide that we’re either crazy or just at plain rock bottom. And by then, it feels like we’re not just struggling to stay afloat – we’re actually drowning.

That’s what I did. I waited until the last possible second. When I knew I had no other options. I regret it now only knowing that I could have saved myself a few months of torture and rock-bottom moments. What I’ve learned since then is the value of hearing someone repeat your own words back to you, and admitting that you have something to learn.

This whole idea came from God. I’m gonna throw a few verses at you so that if you’ve ever wondered if “getting help” means you aren’t a good enough Christian, we can stop that thinking right now. Here are just a few:

“Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.” Proverbs 19:20 NLT

“Wise men and women are always learning; always listening for fresh insight.”       Proverbs 18:15 MSG

“Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.” Proverbs 11:14

Our culture has taught us that in order to be successful, strong and worthy, we must be independent.

God created us not only to need Him, but with a need to learn from others.

Counselors and therapists are the closest earthly idea we have to getting an outside perspective of our own lives. Their role is not to fix you. Or prove to you that you’re broken at all. Their job is to listen to you and help you find freedom and practical ways of managing your life.

Are they perfect? No. They are people who have families and lives and they also feel crazy half the time. Will you automatically mesh with a therapist you’re meeting with and your life will be fixed? Also, no. They are people. But people who have studied how to help. People who ask thought-provoking questions as their career.

I just wonder what it would look like to the world, that if Christ-followers stood up, stepped out, and showed what real strength looked like: accepting counsel. Speaking the truth to someone who is trusted to not just keep your secrets and your pain, but commits to help you work through them. And if you happen to seek out Christian-based counseling, you’ll have one more person praying to God on your behalf.

Because as smart as you may be, you cannot live outside of your body. You cannot see your life from an outside perspective because YOU ARE LIVING IN IT.

I wish I knew where you were. If you feel helpless, hopeless, trying every day to keep your head above water. If you feel like you’ve already drowned and you’re not sure if or how you could possibly get back up. Or you may feel fine. You’re living your life, you have good and bad days, and you are comfortable with just having those “things” that can’t seem to escape you. You’re doing okay, but you’re just not sure how to change.

 

I wondered, truly, what my goal was in writing these words and sharing them on the internet for you to read. I figured blunt honesty would be the best, so here goes. I’ve seen the value of accepting professional counseling in my own life. I’ve watched it in the lives of those around me. And I have spoken to more people than I could count who have said in similar words: “I’m just not sure what to do anymore.”

I wanted to tell you, you don’t have to feel that way. God, in His kindness, created people who have an innate desire to want to help others. People who want to help you feel less helpless; and be an active participant in your own life instead of watching from the sidelines.

If you’ve read any of my words for any length of time, you know that I am all about surrendering every part of your life to Jesus, and through His power we have strength. And in that strength, He gives us choices. He gives us the choice to fight for our thought patterns, to fight for the health of ourselves and our families. He provides for us safe places to feel and to process. And all the while, His Spirit will continue to do His job. If we’ll allow Him, we get the insane privilege of earthly and spiritual counsel all at once.

You don’t have to hit rock bottom to reach out. Let’s show a needy and broken world that, hey, we are needy and broken, too. No one fights this thing alone.

Whether you seek professional help or reach out to a trusted friend or mentor, don’t drown when there are people waiting to pull you up.

“Form your purpose by asking for counsel,                                                                                  then carry it out using all the help you can get.”                                                                   Proverbs 20:16

 

 

 

 

Feeding toddlers is enough to drive a person crazy. I mean it. Like, actual insanity.

You think you know what’s going on, and then they change it up on you. Sometimes their choices change within like an hour – forget changing from day to day.

Brady is almost five though, and we’re sort of able to bribe him into thinking food will make him strong. I mean, it’s not a lie. Kids are growing… they need food! So this morning, I turned around and he had picked up their little kid table in the kitchen to move it into the living room. It is not light! I won’t lie, I was impressed. He put it down and said, “Yeah! I’m strong because of all the chicken!”

Totally. It’s the chicken.

We’ve all got ideas of what strength looks like. We’re told from a young age to grow up big and strong. I bought a shirt recently because it was adorable and six dollars. On the front it says, “Strong is Beautiful.” I got it from Old Navy, which Brady calls “Ole Matey” and I never ever want that to change. People comment on it all of the time. Like, strangers in Wegmans have had actual conversations with me about women being strong, the chances in society… It’s cool, but do they see my children smacking each other in the face? Let me out of the stoooooore.

I’ve learned though, that when I work to create or convince myself of my own strength, I’m almost always disappointed. Disappointed in myself, because I couldn’t keep up and meet my own expectations. Disappointed that I’m not enough. Disappointed in others because they didn’t help me along the way. Our world has convinced us that:

YOU are strong

YOU create your own destiny

YOU get to say who you can be

These things aren’t necessarily wrong… they just don’t line up with Jesus’ idea of strength.

You know what strength looks like to Jesus?

Weakness.

Waiting.

Here’s how He tells us we will find our strength:

When I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

When I wait for the Lord, He’ll renew my strength (Isaiah 40:31)

God’s joy is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10)

 

What does true strength require of me?

Nothing.

Nothing but 100% reliance on the One who’s strength is made perfect when I am weak. Which is…all of the time.

The more I push and work and stress about proving to myself and others that I am strong and steady, the more I find that it just isn’t true. Not on my own, anyway.

The truth is that my strength isn’t found in my independence.

My strength lies in my surrender.

We are strongest when we admit to others, ourselves, and to God that we are not enough. And when we accept that God has never asked us to be strong. He has only asked us to let Him be strong for us.

What you are going through is hard. What you have been through is hard. It makes no difference whether I know what it is or not; you know.

Whether you’re facing heartbreak, loneliness, exhaustion, stress, confusion, loss, doubt, or any kind of pain at all, our God is not indifferent to your pain. He is not offended when you hurt, and He is certainly not disappointed when you fail to keep it together. He didn’t create you to keep it together. He created you to need Him. Jesus, the author and the finisher. The One who started your story and the One who will complete it.

I would be willing to bet that the strongest people you know have probably experienced the most. And their strength most likely looks like:

Putting one foot in front of the other

Loving others when the world says they should be selfish

Smiling, laughing when it doesn’t make sense

Seeking help from others

Peace that no one understands

 

Strength isn’t big and loud and full of muscle. It isn’t tough and mean. It’s quiet moments. It’s choices. It’s one decision after another to choose to worship God when your circumstances don’t line up with what you know. It’s praying when you have doubts. And it’s allowing God to be God.

Where are you working to prove your strength? Are you trying to convince those around that you can make it on your own? Or that you’re bigger than whatever thing is in front of you? Or if you’re like me, I want to prove somehow to myself and to God that I am strong. That I am enough and that He could trust me and be proud of me. When the reality is, I could never earn either of those. God’s trust and pride in me comes only through His grace.

Don’t buy into the lie that admitting your shortcomings makes you a failure. Acknowledging your need and relying on God is the only way to grasp true, unending strength. Isn’t that so much less pressure? To look at the situations in front of you and say, “I can’t do any of this on my own.”

I believe God waits for those moments. When we finally allow Him to step in and love us the way He intended. To protect us, grow us, and lift us up to places we never could have reached on our own.

So… what are you waiting for?

 

 

You know what no one ever warned me about when having kids?

They turn into backseat drivers!

But like, little confused ones with high, very loud voices, who only understand 1/3 of the rules of the road.

They are very particular about the music we listen to, and they’ve started telling me how to drive and where to go. Most days I give up and let them dictate what Spotify will play (which lately, is Amped VBS and Chain Reaction), but sometimes, I wanna listen to what I wanna listen to, dangit. And some days I just really need some worship music. I need the words and the truth to calm and recenter me. Because, you know, of the children.

Oh, but they aren’t having it. While I’m patiently working to recenter my heart and blah blah, I hear:

“SHE’S SPITTING AT ME!”

“MOM, PLAY ‘I KNOW YOU’RE MOVIN!” (Chain Reaction)

“MOMMY, THE LIGHT IS GREEN! GO! GOOOOOO!” (I am in a left turn, red arrow lane.)

“MOM, PLAY MY SOOOOONG!”

Deep breath. Sometimes. Sometimes not. Then I say – forget it! This is too chaotic and messy to actually make any difference. I play Chain Reaction and they are content for 1.5 minutes.

And that’s what I tell myself… this is too messy. God can’t really be in moments like these. He wants to meet me when I am quiet, in position in a comfy chair or at a coffee shop. After I have worked out some of my junk and cleaned myself up, then it’s time to have a moment with Him.

But as I focused to hear the words of the song in my very loud and not-at-all-calm-car, He said, “Messy moments are valuable to Me.”

We keep ourselves busy in life, trying to clean up. Everywhere. We want our desk to be organized so that we look professional. We don’t invite people over until our house is clean, because, who wants to eat dinner in the middle of your real life? We kill ourselves trying to put together an image that portrays to the world, “I’ve got at least something together.”

When all the while, every single one of us is a mess. We are human, in such great need of love that redeems and makes us who we are, but we are convinced we must be put together in order to be worth loving or even being heard.

I’ve learned that I just don’t thrive in a messy space. I feel calmer, am more focused when things are organized. I’m not actually an organized person, so I’m not sure how this all works together. But I don’t think that God is bothered that I like to be in an atmosphere that is in order. He created me that way. But I do think He’s often bummed out when I miss an opportunity with Him because I haven’t created the “right” kind of moment. A moment that I deem worthy enough of His presence. He doesn’t work that way.

If we create and separate moments that include Jesus and moments that don’t, we are missing the point of His abiding and everlasting love and relationship. 

God is not waiting for us to clean ourselves up. He doesn’t care that your house is messy. He just wants to eat dinner with you and hear about your day. It doesn’t bother Him that your children are wild animals at 5 pm and you’re losing your mind. He just wants to be in it with you.

Jesus’ life was marked by running into messy situations. He never chose the easy road. He defied everything people had ever known, and it for sure messed up their ideals that had clear lines. He risked His reputation, His image. He healed on the Sabbath. He hung out with the most unwanted people in society. He showed up – at the well, on the road, when people weren’t expecting it. They did not sit down and plan for their life to change that day.

Is it possible we could be missing a revelation from God simply because we aren’t prepared for the unexpected? 

“God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

That. That is messy.

God has always run to meet us. Nothing about His character or His track record gives us any reason to doubt His presence in the chaos. In your doubt. Your heartbreak. Your anger. He is longing to walk through each of those moments by your side, instead of being put to the side.

Maybe if we worked a little less to clean up our lives to convince others we had it all together, we’d get the hang of it.

In case you’re unsure:

You’re not alone.

Others are doubting.

Others are unsure if they have what it takes.

Others are wondering if anyone sees them.

Everyone needs God as desperately as you do.

 

 

It is our mess, our need, our chaos, that boils everything down where we realize we cannot do this thing on our own. We are in need.

So let God in. To all of it. The physical of your car or your house. The mess in your mind – the thoughts that are so tangled up, you don’t even know where to start. The mess of your heart, that feels like little shattered pieces that don’t even fit together anymore.

He is waiting.

Make this your prayer:

“I’m an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking. You know when I leave and when I get back; I’m never out of your sight. You know everything I’m going to say before I start the first sentence. I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too – your reassuring presence, coming and going.” Psalm 139:1-6 msg

 

Do you ever get tired of doing the same thing?

I don’t mean the daily grind of routine – I mean, dealing with the same struggle, falling into the same traps, failing in the same areas you failed in last year, ten years ago.

It feels so redundant. I am constantly asking God, “Haven’t I already learned this?”

Maybe it’s a secret sin no one knows about. Maybe it’s anger. Or lying. Maybe hopelessness that is too deep to share with anyone.

At times, it may feel like this never ending cycle, circle, whatever you want to call it. Maybe similar to a race track. A forever connected circle, where the end and the beginning share the same line. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want it to look that way for me. I don’t want to to make it to the end just to start at the beginning again. I want to see progress, maybe run a new track.

I really want to be a runner, but it’s just not God’s will for my life. I give up pretty quickly and walk and convince myself that running and then walking is actually burning more calories. What is the truth? Who really knows.

Whether we like it or not, we’re here. Alive. Running (or walking) somewhere. And more often than I’d like, I feel like I’ve been stuck running the same circle.

But here is the thing. I have learned that although I may be running a familiar road, when the circle looks the same as it did five years ago, I am not the same.

The journey is still new. Just like a runner’s track, each step in the dirt digs deeper, laying down more of a mark. When I sit back and think of it, isn’t that really what I’d hope for anyway? Rather than starting over, starting brand new every time I see breakthrough, I’m starting back at the same start line; each time, more familiar with the journey. I know where the turns are. I can anticipate things that might throw me off. Maybe it doesn’t take me as long to reach the finish line as it did last time.

Maybe it is not the punishment of God that we tend to have trends in our struggles. Maybe it is His kindness. It is not like we are running aimlessly on a hamster wheel with no destination. It is the complete opposite. We are running with intention, and He allows us to hang out on the same stretch of road at times.

God is always doing a new thing in us. Always, always. But that doesn’t mean what is in front of us will always change. God is in it for the long haul, for the lifelong process of refining. Of a prize that will last forever. This thing is not a sprint.

“All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.” 1 Corinthians 9:25-26

Every struggle, every missed step is an opportunity to train with purpose. Too often we lose our step, and beat ourselves up because we’ve done this before. These truths are not an excuse for us to stay stuck, drowning in sin or addiction. Jesus is clear that He has given us a standard for living, and He has so graciously given us complete freedom.

But He does promise that we will have trouble in this world. It’s not always going to go the way we want. He made us human. Knowing we would have flaws, that we’d miss the point, that we wouldn’t always get it right.

And His promise is that through and in spite all of this, He has overcome.

The truth is that although we have changed, He never has.

He is the hero of every story.

He is the same throughout history, and your life struggle is no exception.

The greatest part about running the same dirt road over and over is that He remains.

Through every broken heart, every dark season where you don’t feel like you’re running anywhere at all.

Every harsh word that spills out of your mouth that you wish you could take back. Every time you feel out of control. Each time you doubt. When you wonder if He has truly created you for anything good.

He’s at the beginning, pushing you forward.

He’s in the middle, sustaining, encouraging, challenging, cheering you on.

He’s waiting at the end. At the end of every breakthrough. When you are at the end of yourself, He stays.

So let’s stop despising our stories.

Let’s accept the struggles we face and run them with purpose.

Stand up straight and own it. Cover some ground and leave your mark. Let others pass by the places that you have run for years and marvel at the grit, the hard work, the discipline. And most importantly, let your weakness point you back to the One who will give you true strength.

“Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations.” Deuteronomy 7:9

It’s a question we ask sometimes countless times a day.

People say it passing through hallways, when we bump into old friends… three words that are applicable to every kind of relationship.

How are you?

I’ll bet you answer like I do.

Good. Fine. Tired. Busy. Doing okay.

There are lots of thoughts that swirl around how we should be answering this question. Should we keep it generic? Should we answer everyone with how we truly feel? My hope is that you have someone in your life that you could give an honest answer when they ask.

But have you ever had times where your answer is so much longer than a word or two? You have questions and your heart is breaking and pouring out words that you’re unsure of… you so desperately need someone to understand, to hear, to see you. To get it without you having to find the words. As people pass by you and throw out the obligatory greeting question, you smile; but inside, you’re wondering if anyone actually cares to hear the answer.

There is One.

There is One who understands without your explanation. There is One who has been everywhere you have been. He was betrayed, lied to, broken-hearted, abused, wrongly accused. One who understands even deeper than you could think possible. Jesus, our Savior, our High Priest.

“This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15

“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.” Psalm 139:1

It’s amazing that God knows our every thought, our deepest need, yet He asks us in His own way, “How are you?”

Not because he doesn’t already know the answer – but because He values our words and our honesty. Because He wants to hear it from our perspective, just to be closer, to deepen a relationship.

Oftentimes, I feel a bit too messy to answer Jesus honestly. Have you ever felt this way? Maybe you’ve been trapped in the same cycle for so long, you’ve convinced yourself Jesus is tired of you. Or maybe you’re so confused yourself, you couldn’t even find the words to tell Him.

There is good news for you. “The moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside us helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.” Romans 8:26 msg

God’s Spirit makes prayers for us. He takes the jumbled mess we are, and puts it to words on our behalf. God isn’t worried about whether or not you can clearly express yourself to Him; He’s just seeking your nearness. Not to control you, but out of the deepest love. He’s not scared of your response; He already knows.

Every single morning, every moment of every day, God’s Spirit is asking you how you are. Because He cares. He is not passing by; on His way to a meeting with someone else, throwing out a question as if it were a statement because He doesn’t have time to answer.

He is not passing you by. His Spirit is dwelling, pitching a tent within your heart, ready and willing to hear every inner thought. And when you can’t even make sense of your own thoughts, He is right there, ready to pat you on the hand and say, “I’ve got this. Just stay near, and I’ll pray for you.”

In these moments; the moments when you feel alone, when you wish someone would understand without you having to make sense of it all yourself – remember there is One.

He hears, He waits, He understands, He goes on your behalf.

He prays and makes sense of the things that you can’t.

He listens with patience and without judgement.

He longs to hear your innermost thoughts.

He is not afraid or tired of your need.

In fact, your need is a gift to draw you back to Him. 

So bring it all. Your words, your questions, the deepest cries that have no words at all. He will continue to wait for you.

Today, whether you’ve heard Him ask or not, His Spirit is prompting you. So answer however you can.

How are you?