Guys. Christmas is soon.

I don’t understand how it happened.  I put up my decorations earlier than I ever have before, and it still feels like I have no time. We all know that this time of year is just insane, and it takes a lot of intentionality to be present and gracious when the world is constantly demanding more of our time and energy.

I love that we are preparing for the birth of Jesus. I love making a birthday cake for my kids on Christmas to sing happy birthday to Him. I just think the whole thing is so incredible, and as I get older, the day means more and more. But can I tell you a secret?

There’s one person that is involved in Jesus’ birth that stops me dead in my tracks and makes me want to weep every time I think of her.

Mary.

Mary, the young girl who God chose. Mary, the mother of Jesus.

If there’s one area in the church that’s really trying to divide us, this is one of them. Where do women fit? What does God really think? And before you think I’m smarter than I am, I’m really not here to start a theological discussion on the role of women in ministry. But if you’ve ever wondered about God’s heart for women, start here.

Jesus, the Son of God. The Christ. The Messiah. Our Savior. God gave Him a mom.

He could have appeared on the earth as a man. He could have even shown up as a baby somewhere for someone to find Him. But God chose to honor and trust Mary by making her a mother. A mother to a perfect baby; the Savior of the world.

I can’t wrap my head around it. But I do know this: we sure as heck question what God must have been thinking when He made woman. Tell me I’m not alone. Hormones? Childbirth? The endless multitasking and responsibility? Do you ever just look in the mirror and wonder, “Why am I so freaking complicated?”

I am one thousand percent convinced that Mary was chosen for the rest of the female population to know this:

God cherishes women.

God cherishes you.

And not only that, He thinks you are capable of insanely more than you could ever dream. Mary is the absolute epitome of unqualified. When she was told she’d become pregnant with the Messiah (no big deal), SHE WASN’T EVEN MARRIED.

She was young. Definitely scared. Maybe dramatic. Maybe compared herself to other women around her. There’s no way she didn’t wonder every single day if she was doing it right.

And she had to live knowing that although she was Jesus’ earthly mother, He really didn’t even belong to her at all. He was God’s son. She couldn’t even really take ownership of Him. And if you’re anything like me, this would make you feel like that separates us from Mary’s story. We aren’t raising the Son of God. Our kids make that known every day, don’t they?

But wait, there’s more.

Just like Jesus didn’t belong to Mary, your kids don’t truly belong to you, either.

Those babies of yours? They are first and foremost the children of God. And yet, He chose you. And not only that, He trusts you. An angel spoke to Mary and told her that she would have a son and name Him Jesus. And thousands of years later, whether you are aware or not, God made a sovereign decision to entrust you with His kids.

You, with your anger.

You, with your out of control anxiety.

You, with your issues with your husband.

You, who feels like you can’t get your relationship with God right, let alone raise another person to know Him.

God didn’t just create women as a whole. He created and carefully formed each of us individually with such attention. And He puts His trust in us.

He is trusting us to show others what His beauty looks like.

He is trusting us to model His compassion.

He has entrusted us to exhibit hard work; especially the kind that goes unnoticed.

He has trusted us to model how submission and strength go hand in hand.

Listen to me.

Some will tell you that you should be quiet. Some will tell you that you are much more important than any man. The world wants you to place your value and your strength on your inner self. Some churches may have boxed you in.

Never, ever forget that God chose a young woman to raise His son.

You are not more than or less than. You are exactly how God wanted to make you. You don’t need to fight for your spot. Your spot was made for you, carefully carved and set apart.

What would happen if we began thinking this way for just the next few weeks? As we pull ourselves apart shopping and cleaning and cooking and whatever else we do; choose to settle into our holy role instead of settling into bitterness. What would happen if we thanked God for the way He made us instead of asking Him why we aren’t like everyone else?

I can tell you what would happen. We could change the generations behind us. Not just us. We would change how our daughters and granddaughters would view their place in the kingdom of God.

Settle into your righteous place this season. Chosen. Cherished. Trusted.

 

“Gabriel appeared to her and said, ‘Grace to you, young woman, for the Lord is with you and so you are anointed with great favor.’ Mary was deeply troubled over the words of the angel and bewildered over what this may mean for her. But the angel reassured her, saying, ‘Do not yield to your fear, Mary, for the Lord has found delight in you and has chosen to surprise you with a wonderful gift.”

[Luke 1:28-30]

 

 

I’ve been there more than I’d like to admit.

This “stuck” kind of place. It feels like either God is distant or I must be doing something wrong. The Bible says that God is near, so that means it always comes back to me.

I was driving in the car last week and I found myself believing the lie that was being whispered to me.

“You can’t really hear God.”

Sound familiar?

The words sound like my own voice. And I’ve heard it and believed it in so many different situations. When I’m looking to God for inspiration. When I’m asking Him for guidance. When I’m praying just to sense His nearness and it all seems… silent. And I begin to wonder: Is God just being quiet? Or am I just unable to really hear Him?

Then the thoughts spiral further, right? We begin to think of all of the others around us who hear and see God so clearly all the time. We wonder what they have that we don’t.

I realized that I was believing this and suddenly I was reminded of the verse in John 10:

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”

We will hear His voice. You. You can hear His voice.

This is such a major mystery. I’m not here to tell you what He is supposed to sound like, or what He even sounds like to me. Sometimes, I’m not really sure. I’m here to tell you that if you have believed that you are somehow too far gone or not spiritual enough to hear Him, it is a straight up lie. If you ask; if you are listening, He is responding.

Don’t misunderstand me: His response may not always come the way or in the time that we would hope. But He is answering. He has heard you. He is speaking, He is moving, He is acting.

If the enemy of your soul can’t convince you that God isn’t real, he will absolutely try to make you believe that God isn’t as good or as near as He promised.

These are the whispers of your enemy:

You aren’t good enough for God.

They are way more spiritual than you. 

God isn’t really listening. 

Why would God waste His time with you?

And here’s the one that trips me up the most:

Your mind is too messed up to differentiate God’s voice.

But here is the Truth:

You have the mind of Christ. 1 Corinthians 2:16

You can hear the truth of God’s words. John 8:47

God will answer when you call. Jeremiah 3:33

God is not seeking to be understood by you. He is seeking to be trusted.

Do you trust that God loves you enough to have this kind of relationship with Him? Not just a one-way, genie in a bottle kind of relationship? Do you trust that God wants to be found by you?

This is not about getting it right. This is not about being the right person or being in the right place. This is about nearness and true relationship. And even more than that, it’s not really about us at all.

I believe everything can change if we take the leap to trust what He’s saying to us. Really, trust that He’s saying anything at all. He is perfect, Almighty God, and He is our good Dad. Miraculously, every aspect of who He is coexists perfectly. As He spins the earth and fulfills every perfect will in your life, He hears when you cry alone in the car. He comforts. He whispers truth about who you really are.

Oh, who you really are?

You are His.

His creation. His child. His ambassador. His choice. His beloved. His.

Sounds like someone He’d probably want to talk to.

 

 

“Whoever belongs to God hears what God says.”

[John 8:47]

 

 

 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I’m gonna be honest right off the bat. I don’t want to put you through any fluff here. I don’t want to just fill space.

Thanksgiving day will forever be marked for me as the hardest season of my life.

I don’t want to get into this to share my story just to get it out. Honestly, I have a journal for that. I am convinced all the way down in my soul that you who are reading this may just be right there, too. Just like I felt: stuck in the dark, searching for the goodness of God. Because He just seems nowhere to be found.

Two years ago, we waited for my dad to die. The lights stayed off for days on end. We spoke in whispers because he was sensitive to noise. We spent every second wondering if it was the last, living in constant anxiety wondering if we were doing it right. It was not like I pictured. I believed God was there because He promised He would be, but… it was just so silent. It was so dark and so still.  I guess we experienced peace, but it just felt quiet and anxious.

Are you there now? Do you know exactly what this feels like? You’re trying so hard to trust God. You’re searching for Him, because He promised to be with you. But you’re digging and it feels like He must have forgotten.

There are probably the rare moments when you feel like He’s maybe still there. Those still moments with your loved ones. The sunsets when it literally looks like God painted the sky with a brush. The early mornings when it’s just you, before the rest of the house wakes up. I could see Him there, too. But in the deep, foundational parts of me, I wondered for months on end, “Are You still good?”

And now two years later, I know it for a fact. As I doubted and questioned and frantically sought for God, I was convinced He was disappointed. When it was actually a part of His restoration plan for me.

It was in my digging and my searching where God was remaking me. My desperation to find out who He really was. It’s so easy to see His goodness in the good. It really is. In the calm and the bright and the silent and the joy, we can feel His goodness deep down. But in the panic and the dark, we have to search. It’s got to be deeper. In order to find stronger and more rooted goodness, we can’t find it on the surface. There’s so much more. Very honestly, I believe I will never doubt again that God loves me and will never change. I could never have known the depth of His character if I didn’t have to walk through the “even if not” part of Him.

We’ve somehow believed that if the feelings of joy and contentment aren’t automatic on the surface, we must be missing it. God must be disappointed. Instead, our desperate search is an invitation to discover even deeper depths of a perfectly loving God.

“Then [with a deep longing] you will seek Me and require Me [as a vital necessity] and you will find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

So listen, if you’re digging deep to look for the goodness of God, you’re in the right spot. If you can’t see Him, it’s not because He’s far away. He’s drawing you closer to Himself, deeper to the Truth of who He wants to be in your life. He hasn’t moved, but He’s waiting to reveal more of Himself to you. He isn’t satisfied with a surface relationship with you. He has not caused any of your pain, but He will absolutely use it to draw you even closer.

If nothing else, let me tell you what is absolutely true one more time: you are not alone. Not just because I’ve been there, too, but because Jesus has. Not only did Jesus have to walk through His own suffering, He watched the suffering of others’. With all of the power of Heaven, He followed the perfect will of His Father in every circumstance. And He is with you now. The God who gave up everything is longing to be found by you. 

You may not see it now, but try to trust me. There is more to Him, and more to you. He has not forgotten you.

 

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.” [Deuteronomy 4:29]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you feel it?

I know it’s only the beginning of November, but it’s already started. Suddenly, the routine of September is slipping away and it’s like your schedule isn’t your own anymore. It’s not supposed to happen this quickly, is it? I mean, I set up my Christmas tree already (yes, yes I did). But the busy and the bustle is already becoming all-encompassing, isn’t it? Is it just me?

As I left my therapist’s office last week, I was complaining about the lack of routine. Nothing has turned out the way I planned. And her last words to me before I walked out of the door were, “Nothing stays the same except Jesus.”

Okay. I mean, I know that. You’ve heard it before, too. It’s not a new concept. But still, we find ourselves rocked. Every single year when it starts to get dark at 5 pm instead of 7 pm, we’re thrown.

Why is it that the simplest sentences that we think we already know often become the most easily forgotten? I don’t know what it looks like for you right now. But I’ve learned that I am almost never alone in how I’m looking at life. And right now, it’s swirling a little bit. I’m grabbing onto each moment and just kind of trying to make it through until the next one. It’s out of survival, right? There are times that we bring this kind of busy on ourselves. We say no to rest and say yes to everything else possible. But other times, it’s just a part of what life is. It’s busy and crammed and it’s seasonal. You may not be doing anything wrong.

Except… are you like me? Complaining, either out loud or just to yourself, that nothing seems to be settled or steady?

It’s because nothing is supposed to be steady. 

Jesus never ever promised anything in our life to be constant, solid, other than Himself.

“Jesus Christ is [eternally changeless, always] the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8

I know, though.

We’re convinced life is supposed to work upward; linear. We’re supposed to work though that season of chaos so that this new one could be so much better. I know you’ve heard it before. Jesus didn’t promise that it would be easy. Our schedule; our routine has never been guaranteed or promised.

What if we stopped fighting the waves of change and instead latched onto the Rock that never moves?

When your toddler moves into a new stage of development and now everything you thought you knew has started over from scratch.

When you thought you had your job responsibility down; and suddenly it’s flipped and you have no idea what you’re doing.

When you are faced with an upheaval of your safety.

When you are forced to move on with life without your husband; your dad; your best friend.

This is deeper than just a holiday hustle. This is about seasonal depression. This is about real anxiety. Because we have a choice.

We can choose to focus on what doesn’t say the same, or we can focus on the One who does. 

I don’t want to just make it. I don’t want to be shocked and knocked down anytime something surprises me that I didn’t plan for. If my Father isn’t surprised or unprepared, then I don’t have to be either.

Despite what the world says, you cannot find security and strength within yourself. I have never found it there. But I have found it within the God inside of me. And so can you.

 

“I stand silently to listen for the One I love,

waiting as long as it takes for the Lord to rescue me.

For God alone has been my Savior. He alone is my safe place;

His wrap-around presence always protects me.

For He is my champion defender; there’s no risk of failure with God.”

[Psalm 62:1-2]

Okay, so what I’m about to say may sound a little dramatic. Just bear with me.

There’s an epidemic in the church. Those of us who call ourselves Christians; we who love and are saved by Jesus Christ.

We’ve fallen into jealousy and comparison in a sacred area: prayer.

I’d call that something serious. We’ve somehow turned God’s most intimate way of communication with us into a contest. I have sat in more groups of women and college students and people older than me who have said, “Oh, I wish I could pray like that.” “Oh, I can’t pray out loud. It doesn’t sound good.”

Some of this may sound harsh, but I think maybe it’s what we need to hear. Could you imagine how your Dad feels hearing you say that? We’re essentially saying to Him, “The words I have to say to you don’t sound as put together as someone else’s, so I’m just gonna pass.” If it grieves me, I can’t imagine how He feels.

Don’t take my word for it. Read it here:

“But whenever you pray, go into your innermost chamber and be alone with Father God, praying to Him in secret. And your Father, who sees all you do, will reward you openly. When you pray, there is no need to repeat empty phrases, praying like those who don’t know God, for they expect God to hear them because of their many words. There is no need to imitate them, since your Father already knows what you need before you ask Him.” [Matthew 6:6-8 TPT]

Wait, wait. Did you see those few words? “There is no need to imitate them.” I know what it is you’re thinking as you hear the prayers you’re measuring yourself up to. As they use scripture and well-formed words, you’re thinking, “Okay, they know God in a way that I just don’t. There’s no way I could memorize scripture that way. God must hear them more than He hears me.”

Listen to me. You have no idea where they are with God. They may have a bunch of regurgitated statements and Bible verses that they use over and over and they have no real connection with Jesus. Or they may love Jesus so desperately, their intimacy with Him just radiates around them. Can I tell you something? It doesn’t matter.

We’ve got to stop it. We have to. We are forfeiting power that’s been bought for us because of insecurity and jealousy. This is a complete work of the enemy that we aren’t even aware of. If he can’t stop us from praying, he can absolutely whisper words like these:

“You’ll never be like them.”

“God probably doesn’t even hear you.”

“You’re definitely not that spiritual.”

“They’ve got so much more power than you. Why even try?”

Those are not your own thoughts. They are straight from hell. Here’s what God says:

“I hear you.”

“I love to hear your voice lifted up to Me, no matter what it sounds like.”

“Come to Me boldly, with assurance of faith.”

“Come to Me with innocence like a little kid. I’m not impressed with false maturity or humility.”

We are measuring ourselves in a way that God is not. Is He hoping that you will grow in your comfort and intimacy with Him? Heck yes. But is He calculating where you are in relation to those around you? It’s the absolute furthest thing from the truth.

So, without any fluff or roundabout way to say it:

Cut it out. 

When you hear a beautiful prayer, thank God for how he’s using their words. When you pray, you are literally talking to your Father. Savior, Redeemer, Friend, King. Don’t take it lightly, but don’t mistake it for what it’s not. You are not praying to impress anyone at all. He is already infatuated with you. You aren’t praying to earn His approval or acceptance. You have it. So stop trying to work for it from Him or anyone else.

He’s listening. Every. Single. Time. Every time you direct your words toward heaven, He’s on the edge of His seat, waiting to answer. He’s moving. He’s answering. He’s actively tuning His ear to your voice. It’s a miraculous gift that we have diluted.

So, stop. Talk to your Dad.

“Since we have this confidence, we can also have great boldness before Him, for if we ask anything agreeable to His will, He will hear us.” [1 John 5:14 TPT]

There is one thing in life that I am absolutely sure of. Okay, there’s probably more, but this one’s like, really, really important.

We need friends.

We need friends who who make us laugh; who we can dance with. Friends that we go to the movies with and splurge on milkshakes and coffee. But we also desperately need friends who challenge us. Friends who will listen and commiserate, but will help us stand back up and walk forward.

Friends who will as us, “Have you asked Jesus about it?”

I have this, and I don’t take it for granted. It stops me in my tracks every time. The thing is, on the outside, my life is constantly about Jesus. Our church is our family, and we love serving. I write blogs about how we can get closer to Jesus. I talk about Him a lot.

And sometimes that’s the problem. I talk about Him.

Getting words out of me is literally how God made me. I talk about how I’m feeling and why I must be feeling that way. I process out what God says about it and why He must be allowing this to happen in my life. I talk about what He maybe thinks I should do.

And yet every time, as I word vomit all of the feelings and thoughts and questions, my person listens, and then asks me, “Well, have you asked Jesus?” And I realize that more often than not, the answer is no.

I sure feel like I have. God’s been in my conversation a lot. Doesn’t that count?

And don’t get me wrong, that piece of the process is valuable. Talking with my people about how I feel and how God may feel is important. But I’ve grown tired of assuming what God thinks.

The truth is that God is active, alive, and ever-present. Most of us want more than anything to just do the right thing. We want to make the right decision, and follow God where He’s leading. But be honest: Have you actually asked Him?

Here’s what I think we need to hear:

“Trust in the Lord completely, and do not rely on your own opinions. With all your heart rely on Him to guide you, and He will lead you in every decision you make. Become intimate with Him in whatever you do, and He will lead you wherever you go.”

[Proverbs 3:5-6 TPT]

Did you catch it?

Don’t rely on what you think you know. Don’t hang onto your friends’ advice. Intimacy comes from vulnerability and communication. It comes from true relationship. You can’t know the voice of someone you simply talk to others about. Relationships are intended to grow deeper, not to be static. Our relationship with Jesus is not only meant to be based on what He’s already done. He’s past, present, and future. He has more for us than just what He’s proven Himself to be in our past.

I don’t want to get stuck. I don’t want to focus so much on who God used to be to me that I miss how He’s guiding me right now. It’s constant. It’s fluid. It’s flexible. It’s not about making the right decision or choosing the right path. It’s about walking with Him wherever the path leads.

I don’t want to just give off the vibe that I know God. I don’t want to simply make others feel like I’m close to Him.

My prayer is that what I would be known for is that I’ve been with Jesus. So that even if I’m not sure what to do or the right thing to say, I’m not worried because He’s leading me. That as I talk about Him with others, it’s been clear that I’ve already talked to Him. God gave us people to walk with us, but we’ve got to be careful not to idolize their support or advice.

So, I didn’t really mean what I said. Let’s talk about God, but let’s talk to Him first. He’s listening.

“But praises rise to God, for He paid attention to my prayer and answered my cry to Him! I will forever praise this God who didn’t close His heart when I prayed and never said no when I asked for help. He never once refused to show me His tender love.” [Psalm 66:19-20]

 

I can’t figure out how to start this one, guys. It’s absolutely the hardest part of writing. I want to grab your attention, so you’ll keep reading. But I don’t have anything clever. So I’m not gonna fluff it to fill space. I just have a question.

Do you ever feel led by guilt to spend time with God?

I’m pretty sure that you do. I do, too. I’m so led by this word, “should.” And I’ve begun to wonder if that’s a dirty word to Jesus. He is so much more than something that we are supposed to make a part of our day.

One day last week, I had a few sacred moments alone. And I thought, “Well, I should probably read my Bible or something.” It doesn’t always go this way. But as I made the choice to sit instead of be busy, I felt something settle and shift. It was as if God was saying, “Oh, hey. I’ve been waiting for you.” And I realized that although it felt like my need to do what was right was leading me, Someone else really was.

When I feel this need – this “I should” pull to set aside time to meet with God – it’s not really my guilt or knowledge driving me. It’s the Holy Spirit in me, loving me toward my Father. How freeing? Instead of a chore or a responsibility, it’s an invitation.

I think that most likely, we have the knowledge that God wants to be with us. That He is with us, longing to speak to and comfort us. But honestly, we’re pretty unaware of just how present He is. When a random friend you haven’t talked to in a while pops in your head, that may be God wanting to use you to speak to them. That worship song that you heard out of nowhere? He just may have played that to show you that He’s listening.

But it’s so much more. He’s not only listening, speaking, walking with us. Jesus is praying for us.

“So He is able to save fully from now through eternity, everyone who comes to God through him, because He lives to pray continually for them.” [Hebrews 7:25]

Jesus is praying for you. 

I am dying for us to grasp this. Have you ever been prayed over? Have you ever had a friend or a stranger speak to God on your behalf; declaring scripture and speaking faith into your life where you’re lacking? It’s feeling heard and seen and known. Jesus lives to do this for us.

What might He be praying for in your life? Well, that guilty feeling that you should get to church or somehow spend time with God? That just may be a result of Jesus Christ praying for you. Speaking to the Spirit of God to draw you in with love and mercy, to help fix your eyes on the Truth which will set you free.

What about those moments when you’re afraid you’re too lost? You’ve allowed the thoughts in your mind to swirl so long you can’t even trust yourself anymore. Jesus is praying for you.

Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. The One who endured every single trial so that we would be able to relate to Him. The One who died so that we would never have to fight for our own freedom. The only One who has beaten death.

He’s sitting at the right hand of God, saying your name. Continually. Over and over and over. He’s praying for comfort, for strength, for wisdom. He has no weaknesses and no needs for Himself. He lives to pray for you. To intervene in your situation.

I don’t know about you, but I am just aching to be more aware. I want to be aware of God’s invitation in my every day life. As Jesus intercedes for me, God is so present. He’s inviting me to choose Him instead of latching to anxiety. He’s inviting me to rest instead of strive.

He’s inviting you, today. Right now. What on earth would our lives look like if we actually believed that God listened every time we talked to Him? Let’s just try. Let’s say yes when He calls. Let’s get to know the whispers of God in our soul, which can only come from close proximity and true relationship.

So, hey. Jesus is praying for you. And I am certainly not Jesus, but I’m praying for you, too. I hope you know that as I type these next words as a prayer, they aren’t simply a blog post. They are words that God has already heard, and He will answer.

Holy God,

You are good and kind. You love us so much more than we’ll ever understand, but I pray that we’ll all take a step closer to trying. You want us to know Your voice even more than we do. So speak to us, and help us to listen. Pull us further in. Push us if we need it. You have chosen each of us simply because you wanted to. Help us to believe the things that You say You are, and in turn, we’ll believe what You say about us. Give us supernatural wisdom to choose You in the small things. You are so present in our every day. Help us to just begin to see You so much more. You are speaking our name so gently, and your mercy is brand new for us today. So right now, for the first or the thousandth time, we say yes again. Yes, God, you can have us. Yes, God, we’re listening. Pull us into the secret place where we see You so clearly. We believe that You love us. We love you. 

 

“It was fitting for us to have such a High Priest [perfectly adapted to our needs], holy, blameless, unstained by sin, separated from sinners and exalted higher than the heavens; who has no day by day need, like those high priests, to offer sacrifices, first of all for his own personal sins and then for those of the people, because He [met all the requirements and] did this once and for all when he offered up Himself as a willing sacrifice.”

[Hebrews 7:26-27 AMP]

I wish everyone could experience my kids whispering in their ear. It is the absolute best and worst thing at the same time. They cup their hand around their little face and put their mouth on top of your ear and just straight up BREATHE IN IT. They think they’re saying words. They absolutely are not. You can’t hardly hear them, and all it does is tickle like crazy. They make you listen to their nonexistent words forty seven times until you finally say, “I can’t even hear you, just tell me!”

They don’t really understand the concept of what’s supposed to be a secret and what’s not. They just like whispering, honestly. But I’ve discovered that it’s a gift, really. For them to have something so special that they want your ears to be the only ones to hear it.

We hear about this so much when it comes to Jesus. The secret place. The place where it’s just you and God. It was a mystery to me for years. I felt like it was this place that only really spiritual people could figure out. I didn’t know where or what it was supposed to look like, and maybe I wasn’t even invited.

There are lots of places in the Bible where this is mentioned, but I think this is the most clear picture:

“But when you pray, go into your most private room, close the door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees [what is done] in secret will reward you.” [Matthew 6:6]

There are so many things to pull apart as to why this secret place matters. It keeps us humble, right? It keeps our focus on God instead of what other people are doing. But it’s so, so much more.

The secret place is where God promises to see us and hear us. But, wait. Don’t miss it. The secret place is where we were made.

“You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place, carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something. You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d even seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.” [Psalm 139:15-16]

So let’s clear this up a little. The secret place isn’t the only place God hears or speaks or sees. That would contradict everything everything He promises. But what it does do? But it is often where we see Him the most clearly, without any other distractions. It’s not just where we’re going, it’s who we are.

If it’s in secret we were made, it’s in secret that we are reminded who we are. 

It’s around others that we’re tempted to let them remake us. We want to let the praise and approval of other people define and fulfill us, but it can’t sustain us. It’s in the secret place that we’re reminded that we’re both nothing and something. We are nothing without God, but with Him, we have everything.

But can’t God meet us at church? Why does God need us to get away with Him? It’s where we first met. 

Oh man, slow down and read it again if it doesn’t hit you. The secret place is where we get to be reminded again of our first love. Of the One who chose us and formed us. It’s God’s gift to us to be pulled back in to the place we were first loved.

It’s no wonder satan just wants to keep us busy. If he can keep our schedules full enough, we’ll have time to be around God and with other people, but bypass the most beautiful and sentimental place that our Creator us drawing us to. Just Him and me.

When’s the last time you’ve been alone with Jesus? Yes, He can speak to you at church. Yes, He sees you and hears you at Bible study.

But when it’s just Him and me?

I don’t need anyone else’s approval. I am already chosen.

I don’t need to work hard to be worth it. I am already deemed worthy.

I can’t hold onto bitterness or hurt. I am freely forgiven. 

I can’t be overwhelmed by my schedule. My days have already been planned. 

It’s so much less about finding a deeper spiritual level. It’s returning back to our first Love. It’s taking charge of the chaos of our life, telling it that it doesn’t control us. It’s putting aside the voices of everyone else and returning to our beginning with the One who loves us and chose us.

Yes. He wants you. You. Just you.

If you’ve been putting it off or just haven’t been sure how. If you were looking for some sort of sign from God that He actually wants to be with you, here it is. Whether you feel nothing or everything, just get with Jesus. Let Him speak into you, encourage you, empower you, and just love you without any strings attached. I guarantee you, He’s waiting.

“Come near to God and He will come near to you.”

[James 4:8]

Welp.

There you go. There isn’t any real easy way to lead into this, is there? The title kinda gives it all away.  Honestly, this is not something I’m super excited to share with the world on the internet. In the big wide world there are lots of people with lots of opinions that I’m afraid to hear. But then there’s you. You, who may be just like me last year. Struggling over and over again and wondering what’s right and what’s wrong.

I’m not here to say what’s right and wrong. But I’m here to tell you what I’ve learned through my journey, in hopes that you may feel comfortable to share yours, too. And maybe take a step that you’ve been unsure of.

Anxiety is stupid. That’s how I feel deep down. I hate it. It’s taking over the world and I hate feeling like I’m just jumping on the bandwagon. But reality is reality, and ignoring what’s real doesn’t make it go away. I believe with my whole heart that anxiety is not God’s plan for my life. Or for yours. But I also believe just as much that every single thing that happens to me has been approved by God. He is sovereign and all-powerful, and even though we can’t really make sense of it, He says yes or no to anything that our enemy throws at us. I know. It feels super yucky and just not like God to let this kind of stuff happen to us. Just to be clear: God doesn’t cause it; but He does allow it.

I finally got tired. So I found myself in therapy for over a year. In our very first meeting, we discussed that medication for my anxiety was an option and I was absolutely not down for that. I cut her off real fast and said, “Thanks, but no. That’s why I’m here with you.” Because here is what I believed: If I accept medication to help my anxiety, I am not trusting in God to heal me.

I told you I’m not here to argue about what’s right and wrong. But I will tell you right now:

It’s just not true.

I fought so hard. For a very long time. I did all the self-care. I talked through all the things. I prayed with the authority given to me by Jesus Christ against spirits of fear and control. And I believe that I am free of them because of Jesus. And, yet… I found myself unable to get out of the cycle. Like a spinning ride that wouldn’t stop long enough to let me off. The irritability for no reason. The super high emotions. The non-stop thoughts.

But how? How can I say that I trust in God to heal me and choose something else to try to fix me? What kind of example am I to my kids if I don’t trust God all the way? I felt like I wouldn’t be trusting Him. Like I was giving up on Him and giving into the world

And then it dawned on me: I was making the people closest to me miserable. They didn’t know what kind of mood I’d be in or how I would react. They didn’t know if what they said would set me off. And like a ton of bricks, it hit me that the way I was currently living wasn’t honoring God. In my attempt to muscle through and prove my faithfulness, I was living a life opposite of what I wanted.

So instead of giving in to something that I felt pulled me away from God, I believe that this choice was an even bigger act of faith. I trusted God more by allowing Him to heal me in a way I didn’t expect. It didn’t feel spiritual. It didn’t feel like faith. But it was absolutely an act of surrender.

The enemy uses anxiety for evil. But right now; even now, as it’s happening, God promises to turn it for good. He’s drawing you into deeper trust and desperation and need for everything that He is. Even right now, as it’s swirling around you, God is beginning to shift and turn what was meant to harm you.

So let me just ask you: are you clinging to a belief about what you should do based on knowledge or someone else’s opinion? Or are you allowing God to truly lead your decisions when it comes to your healing? Sometimes we’re healed instantly by God’s supernatural hand. And sometimes we’re healed by His hand through someone else. Through a medication. Through surgery. Through therapy. In our attempt to trust God, we’re actually ignoring some of the amazing gifts He’s given us.

I’ve been putting off this post for months. But why? I take medication for asthma and allergies, and I don’t mind telling anyone. Why is this any different?

The cycle of shame has got to be broken. And it starts with each of us. It starts with me, and then it continues with you. Calling out the struggle and the lies. Looking each other in the eye and saying, “Me, too.”

Can I tell you something? I’m still dealing with it. Anxiety, I mean. I still have days where I spin and wonder how I’m going to make it. Where the cycle of thought is just never ending and I want off of the ride. I feel like I’m failing and like I’ve started back over.

But because of Jesus, I know I’m free. Some days it’s a second by second battle of will and surrender, but I know the truth. God tells me in Philippians 4 not to be anxious. But in His perfect will for me, He’s allowed it in my world. So I’m gonna do everything that He’s given me in my own power to not be anxious. And I’m going to trust in His infinite power  for healing, peace and joy.

I don’t have all the answers. But I have a God who chose me and I believe is proud that I let go of my definition of my own healing process.

This isn’t about how God did it for me. This is about how He wants to do it in you. So let’s talk about it. Drop a comment somewhere in here or text a friend or see a therapist. You are not alone.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.”

[Genesis 50:20]

I’ve always been this way.

When I was a teenager, it was probably a little bit hormonal and a little bit more about drama than it is now. But yes, I’m just a crier. I used to watch the saddest movies I could find on repeat. Return to Me won every time. Lord, that movie is sad. The best kind of entertainment was the kind that completely wrecked me for days. I’m not this way anymore. My life is crazy enough to make me cry pretty frequently.

Tonight, it was because I was alone for the first time, and today was HARD.

We’ve all heard the truth about this, right? Tears are necessary. They release endorphins, or create them, or something. I don’t know. I’m not googling it right now, so feel free to fact check that one. Either way, they do good things to our bodies when it comes to stress and hormones and emotion.

But I’ve become a little bit fascinated with church people tears. In the past three weeks, I’ve been a part of three different community groups and in every single one, at least one person has said, “Shoot, I told myself I wouldn’t cry.” They’re finally opening up about the difficult parts of their life that have been hidden away in their heart, and they’ve been convinced that allowing their emotion to be released just isn’t okay.

How did this happen? How did learn to feel embarrassed about crying in front of others or somehow feel that people need an explanation for how we feel? Why do we hold back tears when the Spirit of God presses in on us, worried about what other people might think?

I’ve done it, too. I’ve been in a spot where I just didn’t feel like dealing with it. Or letting others see. But, man. The living, breathing, perfect and sovereign Creator of absolutely everything God is moving inside of me; speaking to me, pushing me? and

I decided fairly recently that I don’t ever want to become comfortable with God’s presence. I don’t ever want to be so okay on my own that I’m not moved to tears whenever He’s around. I don’t want to be afraid to cry because people might know something’s wrong.

Most of us are asking to feel God; to experience Him; to know He’s there. And then when He does, it’s normally at a time or in a way we didn’t expect, so we shove the emotion away for the sake of our image or our self-protection.

I’m convinced we’re limiting a lot of power here. There is so much power behind our emotion. It’s not all bad. It’s not all messing us up. Some of our emotions can be trusted. There is straight up power when we sit with our people and cry for their situation. There is power when we allow our own stuff to be released. By ourselves, with people, or just with God. There is power in being moved to tears by God.

We’re running away from it instead of allowing God to use it.

So, yeah.

I’m crying because God is so good to me.

I’m crying because I’m confused.

I’m crying because my daughter is four and she argued with me all day.

I’m crying because I’m anxious.

I’m crying for someone else’s pain.

I’m crying because a senior I don’t know graduated from high school.

I’m crying because my dad died two years ago.

I’m crying watching Grey’s Anatomy.

I’m crying because whatever it is really matters to me.

God made me sensitive, and if you are finding yourself nodding to these words, He made you that way, too. When we deny that part of ourselves we’re saying “no, thanks” to His intentional creation. In the blueprint of my life, I believe He scribbled a list of, “sensitive, empathetic, moved by beauty and pain.”

I’m wondering if your blueprint looks similar. Can we stop trying to be something that we’re not? We don’t have hard exteriors. Our hearts are strong, but they’re moldable and delicate. We’re vulnerable. We see and feel because God wanted us to be the ones to make it okay for everyone else.

We’re meant to experience it all. We’re created to have fullness of joy, and still the Bible tells us there’s a time for every emotion.

Don’t miss out on all that God is trying to show you.

 

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven… A time to cry and a time to laugh.” [Ecclesiastes 3:1-3]