More. More of Your timing, Your boldness, Your heartbeat.
Help me to learn what this feels like. The sound, the timing of Your beating heart. Teach me to lean in, tune out my own rhythm and pulse, and rely on Yours. My heart jumps to racing with one word; one word. In less than the blink of an eye. But Yours doesn’t change in its timing or rhythm. It is unfailing and steadfast. But the closer I get, it changes in its intensity and direction. The volume is dependent on me. May I lean in, jump closer to drown out the competing rhythms around me; dependent on circumstance and emotion. The cadence of Your heart shifts and creates a path for me, if I can stick close enough to hear.
And yet, I still work. Wait. Spin. Unsure of where to go or even how.
Shouldn’t I know how to do this by now?
No. You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t know what you’re doing. You shouldn’t have it figured out. If you did, where would I fit? You’re desperately searching to know about me in all the wrong places. Just stop. Stop searching for pretty adjectives to describe what I am. Just sit, and let me show you who I am. You’re floating quietly into the wrong tree. It’s subtle, but it’s so heavy. You want to know and hear my heartbeat? Just get closer. Let go of some of the other things that look good on the outside, and move where no one else is. My adjectives have been the same throughout time. You’re not going to find new words on your own. But I promise, I am all of them at once. So much more than what you can take in. The list is innumerable, unmatched.
But I can be whatever it is you need from me in this moment.
And that is my heartbeat for you. That I can see what it is you desperately need. You can’t even name it, but I can. And I will be whatever it is. I already am.
My heart just is.
It is for you. It is in you. You can’t even take it in. But I’ll give you enough for now. Enough of my glory, my goodness, my peace. Enough to fill the space that’s been lacking. And then some.
Don’t you see; I never want you to not need me? My heart breaks a little any time you feel that you’ve got it. You’re not failing. You’re settling into the perfect spot to hear the one thing you’ve been working so hard to find – my heart.
Even after all this time, I will never lose the joy that comes in your desperation for me.
I will always be jealous for you. I watch as you nobly fill your time with good things. And I am patient. I am kind, and will never force you. But when you turn your eyes from the busyness, and press your heart in just a little closer to mine, I rejoice every time. I’ll never lose the thrill of showing off my mercy, my loving kindness, and my all encompassing love.
These are the moments I wait for.
The Creator of the Universe