confessions of an anxious mom

photo-1520869578617-557561d7b114It becomes so apparent during the winter. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sunshine, or maybe the two weeks of rain we’ve been having. Maybe it’s the fact that the flu has kept us from being in the real world for any consistent amount of time. These are all circumstantial.

The truth is: it all just highlights my reality…

I am a mom with anxiety.

Bear with me, followers of Jesus. Jesus is my Healer and my Peace. He has and is continuing to redeem my story. And still, I live in the world. I live here with stress and a nonstop lifestyle and little people who need me twenty four hours a day. In no way am I dismissing the power that God Almighty has in my life. I also believe that my Jesus sees and dwells within every aspect of my life.

And my reality is this: there are moments where it’s like I can see my situation from the outside. Nothing slows down in any way. But it’s like this bird’s eye view. It happened the other night. My kids were just wild animals. My husband wasn’t home yet. You may know it as the witching hour. They were running up the stairs and sliding down them as they yelled and giggled and bumped into each other. I was just sitting there on the couch. Frozen on the outside. Losing it on the inside.

My head was telling me very calmly, “They aren’t doing anything wrong. You will miss this someday. The noise, the chaos, the laughter. Just let it be. Be present. Let them have fun.”

And at the exact same moment, my body was saying, “I cannot handle this one second more.”

The noise feels constant. It feels physical. The touching doesn’t stop. I know I’ll miss it. It won’t always be this way. There is a tug of war in my mind:

Take it all in! —– Also, get off of me or I may throw you.

Literally, guys. As I was typing this, the laughter turned to tears and someone’s mouth began bleeding. I won’t name names.

Jesus is enough. And at the same time, this is my reality.

I speak out loud that everything is okay. I remind myself that none of this is really a big deal. Nothing is actually wrong. My brain speaks the words to my heart, “remember to breathe.”

How can I allow this to be my life if Jesus is my Healer and my Peace? Am I not really trusting Him? Am I actually just crazy? Am I not really free? …Is He not really enough?

I have no answers except for one.

Yes. He is enough.

But wait. He’s not just enough to save you from it all. All of the mess that you want so desperately to break free from. He is enough for you in it. 

He is not simply enough to free you from your anxiety. He is enough to walk with you in it.

With the risk of this sounding a touch too dramatic, this is the truth about us and about Him from Psalm 23:

 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

 

Let’s call it for what it is. There are times anxiety feels like death. And there are times where the fact that we’re dealing with it at all feels like we’ve lost our grasp on life. This is God’s promise to us. He promises deliverance. And at the same time, He promises to be with us as we walk.

He is comforting you in it.

He has prepared a table for you, with exactly what you need, while your enemy screams in your head that you are crazy. He sneers that you don’t have what it takes. So we cry out to God and say, “Get me out of here!” And your Father pulls out a chair for you and says, “But I have given you everything that you need right now. Sit with me.”

I know it’s hard to believe that He’s present and aware when it’s all so awful. But He’s teaching you. Not teaching you a lesson out of discipline. He’s teaching you who He really is out of ridiculous love.

I’m in it with you. This is a never ending process of grace. Let’s take the brave step together of just allowing Him to pull out the chair for us at the table. For everything that overcomes you, Your Savior has already overcome.

 

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

[John 16:33]

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