why i wrote a book and why you should care

It’s been a week! A wonderful and horrifying week of my book being made public knowledge.

So many people have asked me why no one knew this was happening.

The honest answer is that I had no idea if it would ever truly end up in anyone’s hands but mine.

Backwards was being written for about three years. And for the majority of that time, I believed that maybe this was just a process for me to learn with God. All I knew was, He made it very clear that it was to be written. The topic was deposited in my heart right after I began counseling. I journal everything. My prayers, milestones, questions, revelations. And in the moments when I need some reminding about where I’ve been, I find myself stuck reading back through my journals for, at times, hours. This is what happened to me last night and transferred into this morning.

I wanted to share with you how this book came about, and the only way to tell you is to show you.

These are my journals from the past four years. They hold every word from God, every question I had about who He was.

Because I had lost Him.

In a short span of several months, my stepdad died very quickly from pancreatic cancer, one of my closest friends discovered she had a brain tumor, and another family member was diagnosed with breast cancer. The suffering around me was stealing my air.

I had lost God and absolutely lost myself.

I didn’t know it at the time, but after reading through these journals again, I had asked God to rebuild me. I knew I needed a new foundation. One that was firm and not built on my idea of Him, but who He truly was.

God took me on a very long (still continuing) journey of letting go. Letting go of my idea of our relationship. Letting go of my high expectations for myself. Letting go of control. Letting go of the idea that living comfortably would bring me fulfillment.

He brought me on a journey that I am so thrilled to share with you. So that we may not only accept the time-consuming and sometimes grueling journey of God’s process, but actually love Him more for it.

What in your life doesn’t seem to line up with who God says He is?

Are you walking through anxiety or depression? You thought God said He’d heal you, and that this is not His plan for you. But here you are.

Is your heart broken in pieces from grief or loss? You simply cannot reconcile how this could be God’s plan. For your life or for theirs. How can He still be good?

Have you prayed for the same thing for so long, you’re convinced He stopped listening?

Have you tried listening for His voice, only to be met with silence? You’ve convinced yourself that either you’ve believed in a fairy tale, or you just aren’t worthy of God’s attention.

Our journeys are not the same. God will not necessarily heal you the way He healed me. He may not speak to you the way He speaks to me.

Let me assure you, He wants to heal you. He wants to speak to you.

But we’ve got to trust that everything the world has told us just isn’t true.

Through Backwards, Jesus walked me through a journey of tearing down and rebuilding. A journey that learns to listen to what He says and how it’s so opposite from everything else that’s being screamed at us.

Our identity.

Our patience with process.

Our strength.

Our pride.

Our need for control.

Our version of success and need to be busy.

Our desperation for clarity.

The way we cling to comfort.

Our idea of forgiveness.

And in the end, our entire lives.

God has something miraculous planned for you.

Are you willing to grab hold of it, even if it it isn’t how you would have planned?

I’m telling you, with all that I have: Jesus’ way is better.

“Have you ever wondered why Jesus had to have scars on His hands and His feet? When He showed up to the disciples after His resurrection, the imprints of the holes were still there. Why did God leave them there? Jesus rose from the dead, for crying out loud. I think if we had written the story, He’d be glowing and have no mark or scratch on Him. But the scars remained. The scars remained because they are physical reminders of healing. They are a part of Him; His entire purpose as a man on this earth was wrapped up in those scars. His sacrifice, His suffering, His love – is in the broken holes of His body, which healed through His resurrection. They were the proof. They are what people asked to be sure God truly was who He said He was.

None of us are currently being raised from the dead. Nothing is impossible, but as you read this, you are living and breathing and not being buried. But wherever you find yourself today, the truth is this:

You have holes that are waiting to be scars.

Scars are not indicative of brokenness; they are proof of healing.”

Backwards, Chapter 8

I’ve been praying for you for years, and won’t stop now. The reality is, a book isn’t going to change your life. And it’s not changing mine. But Jesus can. Partnered with your openness, humility, and trust, everything can change.

Backwards is coming November 17th.

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