“Mom, can tigers climb up trees?”

My son is five. He asked me this question as we were lying on the couch watching the Lion King. (I mean, they’re lions, and not tigers. But whatever. I didn’t get into it.) He asked me this question and I immediately busted out into tears. I’m serious. I started wondering what on earth was wrong with me and then realized –

He trusted me to answer him. He had a random thought in his head and because I chose to sit and be with him instead of finishing unloading the dishwasher, there was space. Space for him to tell me about the Lightning McQueen chair he wanted and the random question about tigers. Space for him to talk without any hesitation.

Without any audible words, Jesus said to me, “This is all I’m looking for from you.”

Space. Time. Closeness. A conversation that isn’t filtered or already planned out.

I am so busy. My life is busy, but I MAKE myself busy. It is a ridiculously hard choice for me to stop. I think we’ve believed the lie that we have no control over our time. When in reality, we make choices every single second. We have responsibilities that often aren’t in our control, but we do have a choice. Of what we do, and how we do it.

Part of the problem is I think we often make our time with Jesus busy, too. Gotta worship, gotta read His word; gotta pray about this and that, and her, and him, and God please help me in these areas because I’m just losing it all over the place… and also, would you answer the way I’ve already planned out you would answer me? When maybe, He just wants to be with you. Your holy God is waiting for you to just enjoy being with Him, too, instead of making it another thing to check off the list of the day.

We’ve lost our wonder in the world around us – and in doing so, we lose the wonder that is God. We are too busy moving, thinking, planning, worrying. But in order for us to approach God without a small little gate constantly obsessing over what comes in and out, we’ve got to trust Him. Trust that He knows the answers whether He tells us what they are or not. Trust that He values being with you over what you do for Him.

Trust that not only can He handle the unfiltered version of you, but that’s the version of you that He created.

He didn’t form you before the foundation of the world with intentions of walls to protect you; or filters to mask your imperfections before you approach a perfect God. He created you raw, real, full of life and wonder. Holy and blameless [Ephesians 1:4]. But unless we lay our defenses and our masks down, and allow the space for Him to actually listen and to speak – we feel distance. It’s not what we want – and most of the time, we have no idea how to bridge the gap.

But hear me: the distance is a lie.

He removed the veil so that there would be absolutely nothing blocking you from Him other than the issues that you put there. And not only has He already removed every obstacle to get to Him – He’ll show you the blocks you’ve unintentionally put there, and help you get rid of them.

This isn’t just some far-off idea that Jesus is with you wherever you go, although He is. If you’ve accepted who He is, then His Spirit is absolutely literally inside of you, sealed, until the day of redemption [Ephesians 4:30]. You want to try to tell God that there’s distance between you and Him? He’s looking at you from the inside, begging you to see that He’s always 100% present; ready and willing for all of you.

What on earth have we done to deserve Him? Absolutely nothing. So let’s stop acting like we can somehow earn our way there. Let’s choose the version of us that He made so lovingly and intentionally. When we finally accept all of Him, we can somehow accept all of who He made us to be. And we can live in confidence and freedom knowing that He truly is near, and He actually does love us just as we are.

Oh, and tigers can climb trees, right?

“But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:16-17

Have you ever doubted God’s goodness?

I know the church answer, and I’ll bet that you do, too. You may have even joined in with other people in responding to “God is good” with an “All the time!”

We say it, but do we believe it?

My recent experience of loss in my own life and in the close lives of those around me has forced me to ask myself the question for real. Is God really good when what I’m facing is just so bad?

We say it after we hear good news. We say it after something happens that we wanted to happen. The sun is out today, praise the Lord. Things went my way this time. So God must be good.

But what about when our world crashes? I mean, like, knock you over, world upside down kind of crash. Divorce. Depression. Miscarriage. Cancer. Loss.

There are times it may take this kind of crash – the rock bottom, deep dark low, to know if we can answer this question. Our faith is established here.

Because life is often not good to us. I have walked through grief this past year, and it’s been painful. But the goodness of God doesn’t change based on the goodness of our circumstance.

“God is good” is not a phrase. It’s not a catchy few words that people have created an automated response to. It’s simply what is true. It’s not a question of whether or not He will be good to you. It’s a fact that He is goodness Himself. And because He is good, then all of His intentions for us are good.

His goodness is following you. Psalm 23 says His goodness and mercy follows us every day of our life. When I think of someone following me, I think of a dog or a kid or somebody behind me, in my space. But the intention for the word “follow” in Greek means to pursue or to chase. His goodness is literally pursuing you, chasing you down when you run or when you doubt.

When your dreams are slashed, and it feels like God has forgotten you – He is good.

When the one you love continues to suffer and it feels like He couldn’t possibly still care – He is good.

When they hurt you in ways no human should ever be hurt, He is good.

When your pit is so freaking dark and the walls feel so high; He is near, and He is good.

We are driven to find out the truth of this for ourselves in the darkness. The God you felt on that great day at church? Those “God moments” when you knew He was just so real? If they are true in the light, they are true in the dark.

Our view of God’s goodness determines everything. If we can’t trust that He pursues us and that He’s for us, then we are missing pieces of His character. If God isn’t good, then He can’t be faithful, or merciful, or just. He is either who He says He is 100% of the time, or He isn’t.

But the balance is that what we go through is so heavy. What you may be going through right now could possibly be the biggest trial of your life. I’m challenging you to ask yourself today: “Do I trust that God is still for me?”  God’s goodness never changes. Whether or not we choose to lean on Him isn’t dependent on Him, it’s dependent on us. He will continue to be everything that He is. He offers us love and peace and guidance and absolutely everything that we need when we hurt. It is our choice to grab hold of Him.

God’s goodness may not change what we are going through,

but it changes how we go through it.

If we lose sight of Him, there is no hope, and there’s no purpose. When we shift our eyes to Him, we see things differently. It doesn’t take away from your challenge, but we find glimmers of hope and we are able to see His hand, still steady in the chaos.

You’re still going to have to go through whatever it is you’re going through. And if you’re reading this, and your heart has been broken, I am so sorry. Your pain is real, and it’s difficult. But our pain can have hope and purpose when we latch on to the truth that our God is for us, and He is always good. And He is good to us.

Let’s say it on our worst day. Let’s remind ourselves, and the world around us, that no matter how crushing our situation feels, He will never stop being good.

“The Lord is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all His creation.” Psalm 145:9

“For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever.” Psalm 100:5

“How great is the goodness you have stored up for those who fear you. You lavish it on those who come to you for protection, blessing them before the watching world.”            Psalm 31:19

Last week, I made a choice.

In a moment where I normally choose to do other things, I decided to choose stillness. I made a freaking delicious white chocolate latte (you may be impressed), and I sat. In a quiet house.

I sat on my couch, with the light pouring in, and drank my latte. And Jesus sat with me. It was such a still, quiet, rare moment – that I just cried. A psychologist would simply call this self-care, but it was so much more than that. It was a holy moment. I knew the Holy Spirit was meeting me in my stillness.

As my day went on, I found myself wanting to tell people about the gift of those few minutes of super rare, sacred moments.

But I was immediately stopped. The conversation in my head went like this:

Me: I’m always complaining, why don’t I send something encouraging to my friends and tell them I had a great morning?

Also me: But what if they’re having a bad day? You’ll probably just make them jealous/discouraged, and they’ll think you think you’re better than them.

Me again: You’re right. Let’s just keep it to ourselves.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who’s afraid to share the good stuff out of some weird fear or insecurity or assumption?

If I were really super honest – the reason I normally shut it down is because I know how I would react. When I see other people’s beautiful, still, quiet moments, I’m jealous and bitter because my current moment is chaos or busyness.

What on earth would the world look like if we would just allow ourselves to all be in different places at different times – and let it be okay? That your beautiful moment doesn’t take away from my crappy one. Just as much as I need my friends’ support and prayer in the chaos, I want them to share in the beauty, too.

I don’t want to limit God’s power by keeping His goodness to me to myself for fear of making it seem like I have it all together.

I’m afraid we’re living trapped in the idea that if we’re not struggling, we must not be doing it right. We’ve somehow made it a competition to see who’s life is harder.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – social media is not our enemy. We have an actual, real life enemy who points the finger at whatever he can find. He wants us to keep God to ourselves, and he definitely wants us thinking that everyone else has it much more together than we do. If we would all just make a pact that it’s okay to use filters sometimes and share the beautiful moments we want to remember; then maybe we could let go of the comparison that keeps us up at night.

What would our little lives look like if we all agreed that no one had it together, and we could just let each other (and ourselves) off the hook? We’re fooling ourselves by thinking these little twinges of envy don’t get to us.

James 3:16 tells us that evil of every kind stems from jealousy.

You can’t compare your life to someone else’s and not fall into sin. Why?

When we compare, we are devaluing what God is doing inside of us by wishing we were someone else.

And let’s be real; most of the things we are comparing ourselves to are just assumptions. We don’t know the ins and outs of their life, and they don’t know ours. Aside from a few really close people, I have no idea what goes on in the every day life of the people around me. Their insecurities, their fears, their deep hopes for their life.

Listen, there are moments that are meant to be just between you and God. I’m not saying to blast your life all over Instagram. But God wants His goodness to you to be known. He is good and kind and merciful to you so that a broken world will see Him and know Him. Don’t keep it to yourself. And don’t use other people’s God moments to take away from your every day moments.

So I will share about my sacred latte moment to tell you that the Spirit of God filled my house on a Thursday morning, and reminded me that I was seen, loved, and known. To remind you that you are seen, loved, and known.

Let’s allow the beauty in our lives to be seen, and let’s stop apologizing for it. Let’s give space for those around us to want to share their good, too. Let’s be someone who people want to share not only their struggles, but their joy and their beauty, too.

And maybe most importantly, let’s experience God and give Him away.

“You’re here to be the light, bringing out the God-colors in the world.                                    God is not a secret to be kept.” Matthew 5:14

Do you ever look at an argument after the fact and wonder how it turned into such a big deal?

Ever feel like it happens the most with the person you love the most?

Marriage is weird.

You promised yourself to a person out of love and devotion. And most likely had no idea what you were doing, and still don’t.

You do your best each day to love, not out of just emotion or passion, but because you’re beginning to understand more about real love: sacrifice and servanthood.

But you’re balancing your kids, your job, meal planning and staying in budget – oh, and staying healthy. You’re trying to exercise because everyone else is skinny, you’re trying to keep a clean house because what kind of wife are you if you can’t make a house a home?

If we’re not careful, the people closest to us become last on the list and get the worst sides of us. So we run to God and throw a list at Him of things that we need help with; maybe really sincerely and out of desperation. But it most often comes out like: “Dear God, can you fix my husband?”

Maybe you’re a lot kinder than that, but if we’re honest, aren’t our reactions so often that way? Maybe we say: yeah, I love him, but he doesn’t help me the way I need. He doesn’t see the things that I see. Does he have to put his stuff down RIGHT THERE when he comes home? He doesn’t even compliment me anymore. Why can’t he be more like her husband? He probably doesn’t love me anymore.

Too often, I’m worried about what I look like as a wife on the outside, rather than how I’m serving my husband in ways no one else sees. We’re complaining, maybe even praying about our husband, but not necessarily for him.

What your husband really needs – is a prayer warrior. 

The problem is our enemy wants us to feel exceedingly and overwhelmingly unseen and under-appreciated. If he can get us feeling like we’re killing ourselves without any recognition, he’s done his job. Because we’ll fall into exhaustion and bitterness, and ultimately will pull away from the one we vowed to stick with through better or worse. And instead of praying for him or even praying that we’ll be changed ourselves, we complain and find fault.

Anything he can feed you to keep you from covering your husband in prayer, he’ll say.

Maybe it sounds like:

“He doesn’t really understand you.”

“You made a mistake. You guys just can’t figure out how to love each other.”

“He’s not giving you what you need – why should you try?”

Make no mistake: thoughts like these are not your own. They are straight from hell, working HARD to separate what God has joined together.

He’s convincing you that there is one person with the issue here – and it’s clearly not you. The more he can take your focus off of yourself and place blame, the better.

It can be so un-fun at times. Because probably, there are times you’re right and he’s wrong. But if you’re a human and you’re a woman, there are times you’re wrong, too. And there are times you took it out on him when it wasn’t his fault. Times when you had an unsaid expectation that he didn’t meet, and he really never had a chance. Times when he felt that he was undervalued or misunderstood.

God created this partnership – and it’s beautiful and holy. But another person was never meant to fill your every need, or even to love you 100% purely and unconditionally.

Only God.

Whether you’re madly in love or on the brink of divorce, your job is to let yourself first be fully loved by God. To accept His great love for you, to daily ask Him to seek your heart and take out whatever junk doesn’t belong.

And second, your role is to pray for your husband. The world wants women to be fierce, and guess what? We are fierce. But maybe sometimes the intention is wrong. The world tells us to be strong in order to gain something for ourselves. Our God tells us we are strong through our weakness, and our strength will be used for His glory.

So be fierce, and to go to war. Go to war for your own heart, and for his. Seek God on his behalf. Declare favor, wisdom, insight, protection, strength, over his day and over his life.

Not even sure how or where to begin? Find some scriptures and just pray them. Say them out loud, or write them down. Stick them on index cards and hide them in your car, next to your bed, or at your desk. Our offensive weapon in this spiritual battle is the word of God. Stick his name right in the middle and make it personal.

“That [my husband’s] love may about more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that [he] may be able to discern what is vest and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.” Philippians 1:9

“[I pray that my husband would…] Pray continually; giving thanks in all circumstances.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17

“[I pray my husband wouldn’t] copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform him into a new person by changing the way he thinks. Then he will learn to know God’s will for his life, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2

Your enemy wants you to discount the power you have in fighting for your marriage. But the greatest thing about it is that God Himself will fight it for you.

You are a warrior. In more ways than you thought.

It’s Wednesday. It’s the 26th of September. It’s also my dad’s birthday.

I’ve re-written the beginning of this post three times.

And if you’ve ever lost someone close to you, you know why.

I love words. I use them to process myself and hopefully bring us together on this thing called the internet. There are times words don’t do enough justice to what you’ve experienced or what you feel.

But it matters that the words are here. It matters that they are put out into the universe (aka the internet) for you to read.

Because here in this moment, you are seen.

We were created by a perfect God with innate desires to feel seen and to be known. And the strange thing about grief and loss is that somewhere along the way, we convince ourselves that no one wants to hear about it anymore. We all somehow find ourselves in this secret bizarre club – of the ones who understand what it’s like.

The ones who understand suffering. That life doesn’t just go on. That the pain and the process are both beautiful and awful. The ones who view heaven differently now.

But we’re afraid to be annoying or repetitive or dramatic and honestly, not sure how anyone could even help – so we hide and convince ourselves that it’s a club of just one person.

My dad became my dad when I was twenty-two years old, and I got to be his daughter for eight years.

He helped me pack my stuff and drop me off at college. He drove hours to Maryland to be present for both of my children’s dedications. He graciously stood in the background at my wedding because I wasn’t ready to accept him as my dad yet. He was thankful, honest, and sincerely grateful. In his last, very difficult days, his last two sentences that were spoken to me contained the word “please.”

I know you have memories like these. Maybe you read them at a funeral or they just ring in the back of your mind daily – or they come up on birthdays and holidays.

And the most miraculous and confusing concept is that we have a God who sees how quick our time on earth vanishes – but is still present in every moment. He sees the end from the beginning. He sees every single purpose behind every broken moment you have.

And yet He is so patiently present while you cry out and ask Him why. And how. And what now.

So on their birthdays, and holidays, and Wednesdays that mean something to you – don’t hide in the secret club. Bring it out in the open. Tell people it was their birthday, even if they can’t do anything about it. Eat their favorite food and invite someone to be with you. Don’t relive all of your memories alone – because you are not alone.

Celebrate the ones you loved and who loved you so well.

Honor them for your own sake and for the sake of those who are broken around you.

Don’t hide in the dark with your loss. We’re all here – the ones in the club. Let’s make it less of a secret and allow ourselves to see and be seen.

So today, my Wednesday of Pop’s birthday:

I will shake my head at the Patriots but believe in them because he would.

I will look at pictures of him and watch videos to hear his voice and his laugh.

I will thank God for Pop’s favorite truth – that His mercy is new every day.

And I will open up the doors to the club; in hope and faith knowing that what I’ve been through is just about you as it is about me.

“He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 msg

Have you ever seen the Disney movie “Inside Out”?

It’s an animated movie about a 12 year old girl’s five basic emotions. Each emotion influences all of her actions on the same control console. The main emotions are Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust and Fear. The only problem is that Joy is the one who really runs the show. She’s the one who makes sure that all of the girl’s memories stay happy, and she works hard at trying to keep Sadness isolated so that the girl stays happy through every situation.

Joy fights so hard to keep everything perfect, she ends up getting lost with Sadness. Anger and Fear end up taking over, and the girl runs away from home. But in the end, Sadness is the one who has to save the day. To remind her that she misses her parents and her home. The end of the movie shows Sadness and Joy equally working together toward healthy emotions.

Why did I waste your time explaining a kid’s movie to you?

I think if most of us could choose our emotions, we’d pick one. Joy. Happiness. Because honestly, the others feel like crap. I hate feeling sad. I hate being angry. All of the other emotions feel so out of my control, and they just don’t feel good.

I lash out at my kids because of anger.

I retreat from other people because of fear or sadness.

I just want to stay in the places that feel okay. And if I’m honest – when I’m sad, frustrated, confused… it feels like something must be wrong. Like I can’t possibly be close to God because all that He is encompasses joy, freedom, and peace.

The thing about it is that God made us in His image, but we are not Him. We are human, with human emotions that He created for a purpose. There are plenty verses in the Bible that support the fact that we’re emotional beings.

“There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth… A right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer.” [Ecclesiastes 3: 1,4]

“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.” [Romans 12:15]

God is also clear, though, that we should have self-control, and that we don’t sin when we’re caught up in our emotions.

So what’s the balance? What are we supposed to do?

Our job is to allow God into our emotions.

The good, the bad, the ugly.

There are more steps than this, but this has to be step one.

I think that what happens to most of us is that we’re trying to control the switchboard of our emotions. We work hard to shut down the ones that could possibly bring about sin, or bad memories, or ones that we just don’t know what the heck to do with. When we stuff down the things we’re naturally supposed to feel, they find their way out. And we find ourselves in a spiral of emotions because they bubble up all at once when we aren’t ready.

You know the times I’m talking about. Where you’ve felt emotions try to rise up; you feel them for a second and then shut them down. And then suddenly your spouse your your kid says one wrong word – and it’s all out.

Ever wonder why we use the term “word vomit?” You can’t control vomit! Ew. The word is so gross. Sorry, but it is what it is. It’s something you want to keep down, but your body has to get it out in order to be healthy.

It may come out like word vomit. Or cry vomit. Possibly the anxious or yelling kind of vomit. And most likely, all of the whatever-vomit comes out, and you’re sure God is unhappy with you.

But here’s what God has to say about you. Even on your worst, whatever-vomit day:

[Adapted from Psalm 139]

I created all of you. Every part. Everything on the inside and the out. I very carefully knitted every part of you together before you were born. I made you so wonderful and so complex. Nothing in this world can copy what I have done in you. Don’t despise the parts of you that make you different; maybe more emotional than others. I gave you compassion and a heart to feel for a purpose. It wasn’t a missed step that just gets you in trouble. Let Me guide you through. The negative things you feel are not always out of My will. They just might be a road map to guide you exactly where I’m trying lead you.

Trust Me with your fear. Trust Me with your worry. Your confusion, the emotions that don’t even bring any explanation. The moments that don’t feel helpful or godly; I want to be in all of them. 

I care about your fears and your successes. I made you exactly the way you are, and I want to highlight each miraculous piece of you. Let Me. 

Let Me search you, your heart, your anxious thoughts that lead you away. I’m ready to lead you if you’ll let Me. 

Each emotion we have has a specific purpose, intentionally given to us by God. The more we ignore the feelings we don’t exactly like, the more we’re shutting out pieces of God’s design in us.

Pain and sadness give us connection, depth, and empathy. Anger brings about justice and righteousness (when we use it right). Healthy fears keep us safe and responsible. If we only ever stayed happy, we’d forfeit the most beautiful parts of what make us human.

So let it out. Let Him in. And let Him lead you in ways everlasting.

It’s really hard as a parent to let your kids learn how to do stuff on their own. You know why? IT TAKES SO DANG LONG. You really learn where your patience level lies when your kids are putting their own clothes on and choosing their shoes. They pick the shoes, and you offer to help. “NO MOM, I’VE GOT IT.”  They struggle for five minutes, and then ask,

“Can you help me?”

“Why yes, I’d love to.” Now we’re late.

And this is why parents are crazy.

To be honest, I don’t mind helping my kids do stuff. As they are growing older and beginning to be more independent, I really appreciate them still asking me for help. I want to help with the big things and the little things. I want to show them I care and I want them to succeed. But in the end, I just love them as people. I want them to love me more than they need help from me. And I wonder sometimes if this is how God feels.

Confession: When I was a working mom, I completely judged the stay-at-home moms who posted about looking forward to Friday. I was like, “Your job is at home. Your whole life is a weekend. MUST BE NICE.” Oh, man. Please forgive me, other mom. I was young and ignorant. I knew not what I was saying. We’re all rock stars, guys.

The idea of Friday is like a big deep breath that says, “I made it.” Something in our culture has trained us – whether we work on the weekends, or work out of the home – no matter what our life looks like, the weekend is supposed to feel exciting and free.

So you can imagine my confusion when I began to have consistent breakdowns on Fridays. The word breakdown is not an exaggeration. For weeks, maybe months in a row. It began to happen so often that I was able to track it – and it was always Fridays. So I began to dread them. Because, let’s be honest. I do live my life at home, and so my job doesn’t change hardly at all over the weekend. The little children that I love and care for are mine twenty-four hours a day.

I found that on Friday, I was tired of holding it together. For them, for me. I pushed through the week, managed the schedule, and here I was at the end of it; heading into a weekend of rushing, feeling like I really got nothing done. And my tank was on empty.

There were two things I needed to acknowledge when it came to Friday:

1. Sometimes it’s just hard. The week is long. My life is busy.  Sometimes it’s hard to do your best; to take care of yourself and take care of everyone else.
2. I had placed unreachable expectations on myself. I have never had someone tell me that I needed to look nice, have a spotless house, and have perfect kids. I had created for myself an expectation that no one else had put on me. Nobody asked me to have it all together. But somehow, I was drowning in my own disappointments.

I was relying on myself; my effort, to get me through the week, and it just wasn’t enough. Everyone saw what I was putting together on the outside, but on the inside, I felt like I was being dragged by my responsibilities and my failed expectations.

I don’t care if you’re not a stay at home mom. I don’t know you, but I know that you’re a person. And people have emotions, and secret thoughts, and wild expectations that are never spoken out loud. We are constantly failing ourselves because we’re holding up a yardstick next to the highlight reel of other people’s lives.

If today, your Friday feels like weariness, you need to acknowledge something to yourself. Your week has been hard. You are busy. You have people pulling you, and you love and you care and you want to be and do it all. You feel guilty for even calling it a “hard week” – because you for sure know someone who’s week was so much harder than yours. None of that matters. Your life is your life, and you have to live it. God sees your hardship, and He cares.

If your Friday feels like defeat, ask yourself who’s expectations you are trying to live up to. Is it your boss? Your spouse? Your best friend’s Instagram account? If you were to dig deeper, I’d be willing to guess that you’ve envisioned your God with a clipboard; tracking your moves, measuring your successes, tallying your failures. But at the end of your week, God has no measuring stick. He is simply waiting to be your safe place to land.

If we all looked at ourselves hard in the mirror at the end of the week, we’d find that most likely, we were the one holding the measuring stick. God isn’t replaying and counting our worst moments – we are. 

“But He gives us more grace.” [James 4:6]

So ask Him for grace, but don’t stop there. Accept it. The kind of grace that can only come from the One who created it to begin with. The grace that is undeserved, unconditional, and completely unconventional. The grace that meets you in the ugliest moments. The ones in your car that no one else knows about. The times where you’ve just reached the end and you’ve had no other choice but to pour out yourself to God and let Him meet you there.

He is enough for your every need, even the ones you can’t name.

Let Him be enough.

Let go of the measuring stick you’ve kept track of all week, and trade it in for grace.

“I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you;                         I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”                                                                                           [Isaiah 46:4]

The whole idea of the concept “strong-willed child” makes me laugh. I have yet to meet a toddler that does not have a “strong will.” AKA – they want what they want when they want it. There are those random few that are pretty go-with-the-flow, but for the most part, it’s their way or the highway. I have learned this with my daughter. Holy. Cow. If it’s not her idea, she’s not doing it. So if she is given two choices, even if it’s not something she wants to do, she’ll do it as long as she gets a say. It’s exhausting. I’m constantly trying to think of choices to give her that are in line with what I need her to do.

I’m so indecisive. If I don’t have to make a decision, I won’t. Part of it is simply personality, but I’ve realized that as a parent, I’m making CONSTANT decisions. Some are big, like, where will they go to school? Some are small, like what will all of us wear today? What can I feed them that they’ll actually eat? And just about all day long, I am subconsciously deciding whether I tackle my to-do list, or spend time with my people.

There is one sentence my kids say to me that stops me dead in my tracks every time.

“Can you come sit with me?”

Sometimes it’s other words that are used – like, “Will you watch this movie with me?” “Will you look at this book with me?”

But it’s way more about the tone and the meaning behind it than what they’re asking me to do. I can literally hear it in how they ask. What they’re really asking is:

Will you choose me?

Can you choose me before your to-do list? Can I be your priority instead of getting it all done?

I’m recognizing more and more why God tells us that unless we become like kids, we’ll never enter into heaven. (Matthew 18:3) I think we’ve always equated this whole idea to simple concept of innocence. It is about that, but so much more.

More often than not, my kids choose what is best. To be fair, they don’t have very many responsibilities, and they definitely have way more energy. But they choose to have fun. They choose to play. They choose to just be with the people they love instead of worrying about what’s coming next.

God is asking the same question of us: Will you choose Me?

I think that when most of us hear this question, we think God means: “Can you do something for me?” Like, will you wake up earlier to spend time with Me? Will you serve Me? Will you do the “right” things for Me?”

Those things are important but what is more important is just choosing Him. Period. In the middle of your schedule, in the middle of your breakdown, in the middle of your intentional screw-up. But it’s often a sacrifice to choose what is best. To choose to slow, and be still. To sit and watch a show or read a book with your kids, when the dishes haven’t been done in two days. To set aside time in your day to allow God to breathe into you, rather than busying yourself to get through your task list.

He is asking us to just be with Him, rather than be something for Him.

He’s asking:

Will you choose Me in the quiet, when it’s easy to be complacent?

Will you choose Me in the busy, when you “should” be somewhere else?

Will you choose to trust Me, when I’m not making things very clear?

Will you choose to believe in My peace, even when it’s beyond understanding?

Will you choose My process over instant gratification?

I don’t know where you find yourself at today – but as school gets back in session, and the fall ramps up – we have so many reasons to be busy and distracted. Just like Martha in the Bible, we can choose to power through and be bitter and exhausted, or we can “choose what is better.” [Luke 10:42] I want to choose what is better, not so I can impress God with my decision making, but because He is better. He alone is my peace and my safe place, and every other illusion of success or will always fail me.

Oh, and the dishes, the paperwork, whatever else you’re killing yourself to get done – it’ll all be there tomorrow.

“Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all of your every day human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.”                                                           Luke 12:31-32 msg

I was at a Dare to Be event with some of my closest friends.

I was hearing Natalie Grant sing live for the first time. If you haven’t… stop what you’re doing, and find a way to get to her next concert. She is seriously one of the most amazing vocalists I’ve ever heard. It’s ridiculous what comes out of her when she sings. It was a great night! I was loving it. A night out with my kids, with a bunch of women… What else could I ask for?

And then she shared her story. How she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She had surgery. She was told she may never be able to sing again. And here she was, less than a year later, blowing my mind with the power behind her voice.

She shared about the healing power and the goodness of God. People cheered.

And I didn’t want to hear it. I was straight up mad. Good for you, Natalie, but guess what? I didn’t see this kind of healing the way I had believed. My dad passed away on Thanksgiving. Why are you here and he’s not?

In my head I knew what was true. I knew that God was sovereign, that His will was perfect and that if we’re honest, my dad is in the most perfect place that all of us hope to be someday. But without knowing it, I had thrown myself into believing that God worked through equations. If I prayed enough, if I had enough faith, if I did it all right, then it would equal physical healing.

It didn’t.

In fact, more people in my life suddenly were being overtaken by suffering and I just couldn’t even fathom how God could really be all that He promised to be.

Months later, I continue to journey with this whole idea. This word. This miraculous and completely mysterious thing that God continues to do today. But if He always can, why doesn’t He?

I can’t answer that question for you or for me. I’m left here to put action to my faith that I really do trust that His ways are best – the ways that are so insanely backwards to the world that we live in. That death actually equals life in God’s kingdom. But here is what He’s begun to show me, and I pray He speaks into you:

Healing is not something God does. It’s who He is.

The Hebrew word for this is Jehova-Rapha. “The Lord who Heals.”

God is interested in so much more than healing our physical bodies. He wants to heal our minds, our hearts, our attitudes, our brokenness. The places where we’ve harbored hurt or bitterness. The wounds other people have given us.

What I found in my own life is that my lens got so small, I was suddenly unable to see the other ways God was continuing to prove Himself as healer. In my heart and mind.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

I had forgotten that it matters that God heals our intangible wounds. We tend to give more praise and bring more attention to the things we can see. Because we have proof. It’s so much easier to trust when it’s physical.

I didn’t really think that I was angry at God. I was angry at Natalie, you know? But to be honest, she didn’t have a choice in God’s perfect will. But I didn’t think it was right for me to be mad at God because… He’s God! I knew His ways are perfect and I trusted Him, but I just wrap my head around this one.

In his book “Anger”, Gary Chapman has an entire chapter dedicated to when we are angry at God. He says this about God : “…He is touched by the feelings of pain that I experience and interprets even my anger as an expression of my love for Him. After all, why would I be angry if I did not believe that He loved me and would look out for my interests?”

Have you struggled to believe God all the way – even here? What is holding you back from just laying it all out in front of Him – the good, the bad, the ugly? He may not answer all of your questions. Your prayers may not be answered the way you want.

But if God Himself is Healer, then we’ll never experience any of it unless we’re close to Him. So whatever it takes, just get close. If you have to yell and scream, do it. He knows how you feel anyway. If you have no words, just sit. He wants to be with you.

Natalie Grant and I have made up in my mind. I love her and want to be her a little bit when I grow up. I have no answers about how and why our miraculous God works the way that He does. And if you are suffering or grieving, I am just so sorry. I’m there with you. You aren’t alone.

But you have got to ask yourself if you believe God is who He says He is. All of it. He either is or He isn’t. He can either get you through this, or He can’t. He either heals, or He doesn’t. And my prayer is that through our brokenness, we seek Him and find that He is, He can, and He does.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”     Psalm 34:18