If I’m honest, there are just days where I have no idea what I’m doing.
Why does just the intro of a song I’ve never heard before make me feel like pouring all of my insecurities into a keyboard, into something that can’t respond?
Today, I feel about 16. Or at least far too young to be somebody’s mother. Is this what normal pregnancy looks like? So many things that I feel like I haven’t addressed are creeping up on me. And this is my own strength. That I’m not doing it right. That life looks so different and everyone and everything I’ve known feels like it’s changing – but I don’t feel like changing it back. And I become more and more self conscious that I’m not the person I want to be for everyone else. I’ve been thinking and over thinking about what this is. Is it pride? Jealousy? I can’t figure out, but whatever it is, I don’t want it. I want to be too much to too many. I want to be the first one everyone thinks of to confide in, to pour their trust in. Is it selfishness?
Sometimes, It feels good to have an excuse to feel so crazy. And this is my own strength. And in these moments, I feel a little miracle start bumping around and reminding me that he’s here. And that He’s here, too. I can’t do this on my own. And I’m really glad about that.
I had so many ideas and dreams of the prayers and creativity I would have to cherish this period of my life. And almost none of them have come to be. It makes me feel disappointed. And a little like a failure. I write letters to this little boy in my head, and for some reason it feels strange to try and put them anywhere else but there. I am scared I won’t feel connected. I am scared to feel lost. Sometimes I feel more scared than any other emotion. Nobody tells you about this part. Am I the only one?
If this is my own strength, I don’t want it.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
And when it comes down to it, nothing else matters.