At times I struggle with this. Essentially posting my journal entries for others to see. And judge. But the way I see it is – if someone else wrote this, I would want to read it because it’s what I needed today. And it’s a little all over the place. But here goes.

God’s been trying to show me something for a month now. Okay, maybe three weeks or so, but that’s still a long time in my book for Him to keep coming after me with just a thought. And I didn’t realize He’d been coming after me for this long until today.

This morning I was led to read about the armor of God in Ephesians 6.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

The armor of God. How many times have I heard/read this? Literally having flashbacks of my Sunday school class at Mayflower Church. But You want to show it to me differently today. The words that You choose for us to pick up as our armor: truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation. And after I wrote down these words, I wanted to read the message version as well. Which literally spells out these words in its own sentence. Pretty cool.

“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can  handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, faith and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep one another’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.”

In my brain when I visualize the armor of God, I view it as works we do to prepare us to fight. But it’s so the opposite. “…Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”

with FAITH.

Just believing in what I can’t see can stop whatever Satan’s throwing at me.

This is a godly smack in the face today. In the past month, how many times have I been challenged with my view of Him? And every time, I believe that I think He’s big enough. But I get it now. I’m not yet in awe of His limitless power.

Mark Batterson put it this way as I was reading YESTERDAY,

“Are your problems bigger than God, or is God bigger than your problems? Our biggest problem is our small view of God. “Is there a limit to my power?” Have you answered the question? There are only two options: yes or no.”

God’s been putting this question in my life for a month now. And every time I heard it, I felt like it wasn’t a question I needed to answer. Or I felt like I answered it within the boundaries of what I knew. “Yes, God. I know that you’re big and powerful.”                          But I guess today I accept it and ask it for the first time –

“God, give me a bigger view of you.”

In the heartbreaking situations that surround me lately. My friends who’s worlds are currently crashing and hitting what can only be described as rock bottom. When You just don’t make sense. God, give me a bigger view of you.

In the little problems in my day as a stay at home mom that feel so big. The moment to moment, “I’m so inconceivably grateful for my adorable children” thoughts that flip in an instant to, “I’m literally going to lock you outside – stop making noise.” When I have no idea what I’m doing. Today, or any day. This is a prayer that You answered so clearly for us. God, give me a bigger view of you.

In my ministry, that is more fun and fulfilling than I could even ask, and yet so draining, and so confusing. We are in way over our heads. And yet, if our bodies were floating above the water, we wouldn’t be relying on you to sustain and grow. God, give me a bigger view of you.

In my marriage, when the day to day seems too much and I’ve given 100% of myself to my kids and my house, and I don’t have energy left to put in the work as a wife. To not just recognize the needs of someone whom I’ve been called to love and cherish, but to act on them. God, give me a bigger view of you.

Give me a bigger view of You. That my faith in who You are can stop any attack coming against me. That it’s not up to me. It’s not dependent on the amount of time I spend trying, or that I use the correct vocabulary words when I talk to You.

You’ll move mountains when I believe that You’re big enough to move them.

What is this? This weird need to put words somewhere.

This is what took up space in my journal a few days ago:

“This longing to have more of you – I’m suddenly envious of other people’s connections to you… But am I truly seeking after your word in my life? I’m comfortable – not needing to be pushed further or even backwards. I don’t feel 100% open, broken at your feet. I’m allowing my sacred time with you to be focused on what you’re saying for others.

What are you saying to me?

“But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of your sin, yet your Spirit is alive because of righteousness, and if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies – through His spirit, who lives in you.” Romans 8:9-11

“For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:24

I believe you are challenging me as a wife, a mother, as a leader. For love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Let my heart’s posture be always toward you.”

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I’ve had this link up for 3 days. Feeling the need to put the words somewhere, and unsure of the purpose. I can write fairly well. I can make my sentences pretty. But this one isn’t supposed to be pretty. It’s supposed to be raw.

And this is where you’ve led me –

“Be strong and courageous, for  you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then  you will be successful in everything that you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:6-9

I read this verse all week. Over and over. Because on the cover of my journal, it says “Be strong and courageous.” But this passage says it THREE times. Woven in and out of the promises and commands, it tells me to be strong and very courageous three times. And even more times in surrounding chapters and books. Why do we focus on the snippets and catchphrases that look pretty on a picture on Pintrest? There is so much more.

Obey, meditate, be strong. Be strong. That’s the order.

You can’t be strong and courageous without the other two steps.

For He is with you.

Obey first.

Then meditate.

THEN. Be strong and courageous

For He is with you.

He’s with me.

I think I had to put  my thoughts down somewhere. The theme for the fall retreat was Overflow. The theme for me this weekend happened to be faith.

I was walking through the prayer walk – just wishing and hoping that it would mean something to someone. Putting pressure on myself because that was my piece of the weekend. I wanted people to talk about how awesome the prayer walk was. To make me feel like I contributed. I finally sat down to the first station – to write a letter to myself from God. I honestly just let my hand go and didn’t try to think about what I was writing. This is what it said –

“Dear Rachael,

Do you see? Do you see how much I love you? How proud I am of you? How much I trust you? Believe in me for more – for bigger things. I am challenging your faith. Seek me, you will find me. I have anointed you. I have appointed you. Not just Tyler – you. You are good enough. You are leader enough. You are wife enough. I love you. I have called you. This confidence you empower others with – believe it for yourself. You are mine.

I love you,

God”

I didn’t realize what this letter meant until just now. Two days after the retreat. Today, I opened up the booklet and reread this letter. Literally less than minutes later after I wrote it, God invaded my heart. I wasn’t even ready. I wasn’t even expecting it. Even though I WROTE IT DOWN, I wasn’t expecting it. Which is what he wanted to show me. His presence was more real than I knew could be possible. I knelt. Hands open. And he said, “Nope. You aren’t giving yourself all the way.” So I laid down. Face on the floor. Arms, hands open.

And He said, “Stay here.” And I did.

I wanted to be running around taking artsy pictures. I wanted to watch everyone else encounter God. But He wanted me to encounter Him in that moment. To not make it about anyone else’s faith. About MINE. Which I didn’t know needed to be challenged. I was feeling good – this whole weekend God had used me and had placed me in specific situations to help Him heal. I was so grateful.

And He told me – “You prayed last night for someone who called themselves a Christian to start over. You spoke over her and encouraged her to ask Jesus into her heart truly for the first time now that she could understand. Now it’s time for you. YOU need to ask me into your heart. As an adult. As a leader. As a mom. As a wife. Not just as a 6 year old because you wanted to go to heaven. Invite me in again, Not just as your Savior, but as your dad, the love of your life, the faithful leader of your steps.”

This was more than a retreat. This was more than teenagers getting away, causing chaos and learning about Jesus. This was literal chains being left at Summit Lake. I saw piles of fear, regret, heaviness, left on the concrete outside the tabernacle. I saw God’s presence invade a space to make it impossible to not have an encounter with Him.

And now God is telling me:

Why do you doubt? Why are you surprised every time at my goodness?

I will meet you when you need it; I will you use you where you are supposed to be

I will fill you when you are empty

I know we are meant to be in awe of Him. But I don’t think we are meant to be surprised. We are meant to expect. We are meant to anticipate and hope. To believe He is capable of more than we can hope for. I am so grateful to be a part of this group that provides the space for the leaders to be changed; to be vulnerable and broken. To allow for God to piece us back together.

Now live in the OVERFLOW.

Safe, sure, free, filled, healed, whole.

So, the only reason I’m here is because I took a sick day. And I have plenty of other things I could/should be doing instead of typing into a blank space.

But I’ve had these same words in my head for literally over 3 months now and feel like I need to finally put them somewhere else. They aren’t even a big deal – or anything maybe worth posting for someone else to see.

In October, I was planning for Brady’s birthday party. Running around on my lunch break to find the perfect outfit, the little tie that was blue plaid with a “1” on it. I was leaving work and saw a family member I don’t see much. I was really just trying to get out to my car to pick him up from day care, and this family member wanted to chat about how Brady was doing. She asked how old he was; was he running around everywhere, etc. And then she asked, “Can you believe” – and I interrupted her because I knew the rest of the question. I’ve been asked it 1,000 times. The questions usually go like this: “Can you believe how fast it goes? Can you believe how big he’s gotten?” So I replied with, “No, I can’t believe it! It’s gone so fast. He’s so big.” The same response I’d programmed myself to say.

And instead, she repeated her question and said, “Can you believe how much you love him?“

I honestly don’t even remember what my response was after that. It didn’t knock me over or anything, but here I am, 3 months later, and these words are still ringing. Probably because I don’t think I’ve ever been asked that question before.

I think, more than anything else, what being a mom has shown me is how much God loves me. Which may seem a little backwards. But on the rare occasion when I get to sit back and just watch him play, or learn to say a new word, or sleep, I am so overwhelmed that God would love me enough to bless me with this boy. To be a mom. With a man to help me raise him. More than ever, I’m so aware of women who struggle with having children of their own. It just blows my mind that I am blessed with the little family I have.

I expected to love my son. He’s my child – he was once a physical piece of my body. I think I expected that I would love him in ways I wouldn’t be able to understand. But there are little things I didn’t expect. Like, how he can make me want to scream one minute, and make me laugh within 10 seconds. How much he would teach me about myself. About patience. About love. About responsibility.

I don’t have any profound ideas to share about any of this. I’m just thankful. Thankful for this little question to remind me how much I really do love him. And how wonderful it is at times to be able to sit back and think about why.

If I’m honest, there are just days where I have no idea what I’m doing.

Why does just the intro of a song I’ve never heard before make me feel like pouring all of my insecurities into a keyboard, into something that can’t respond?

Today, I feel about 16. Or at least far too young to be somebody’s mother. Is this what normal pregnancy looks like? So many things that I feel like I haven’t addressed are creeping up on me. And this is my own strength. That I’m not doing it right. That life looks so different and everyone and everything I’ve known feels like it’s changing – but I don’t feel like changing it back. And I become more and more self conscious that I’m not the person I want to be for everyone else. I’ve been thinking and over thinking about what this is. Is it pride? Jealousy? I can’t figure out, but whatever it is, I don’t want it. I want to be too much to too many. I want to be the first one everyone thinks of to confide in, to pour their trust in. Is it selfishness?

Sometimes, It feels good to have an excuse to feel so crazy. And this is my own strength. And in these moments, I feel a little miracle start bumping around and reminding me that he’s here. And that He’s here, too. I can’t do this on my own. And I’m really glad about that.

I had so many ideas and dreams of the prayers and creativity I would have to cherish this period of my life. And almost none of them have come to be. It makes me feel disappointed. And a little like a failure. I write letters to this little boy in my head, and for some reason it feels strange to try and put them anywhere else but there. I am scared I won’t feel connected. I am scared to feel lost. Sometimes I feel more scared than any other emotion. Nobody tells you about this part. Am I the only one?

If this is my own strength, I don’t want it.

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

And when it comes down to it, nothing else matters.

 

Today, I heard the most not necessarily “positive” thing. From my ultrasound, looks like my placenta was lying low. Not even a big deal, just something to monitor. And I was somewhat surprised at the degree to which I flipped out.

I started researching and remembered why I’ve tried not to read too much about all that can go wrong in pregnancy. You can seriously drive yourself crazy with all the possible complications. I think maybe it just reminded me that yes, I am PREGNANT. That this is a pretty big deal.  I am growing a person inside of me that right now, is the size of an ear of corn. That this is it.

That I’m going to have a baby that’s going to grow up too fast, and I won’t know where the days and years have gone. That I will struggle every day for the rest of my life to turn his life over to God and be reminded that I am not in control. That Tyler is going to be a dad. Is already a dad to the little person he doesn’t know. That it really is okay for me to eat ice cream and not do the dishes.  That it is okay to ask for help. That it is okay to not have it all together.

That things can go wrong. That life is never the way you expect it to be, That God may have other plans than the ones you have in your head. Why don’t I sit and pray for this little boy every single morning before my day even begins?

I guess today just made me realize how concerned I am with looking like I have it all together. That I can be superwoman and balance it all, while keeping it cool about going through the biggest change I will ever see in my life. I hope I can start focusing on myself a little and the magnitude of what is going on. Seems like today was the day for it. Let’s see if I can remember tomorrow…

I haven’t really been able to write anything lately because my mind has been focused on one single thing: “I’m going to have a baby.”

…Even writing that doesn’t feel right! Does anybody ever really feel old enough, slash lived enough to say those words? On January 23, I realized it didn’t really matter when we were ready. Although we definitely didn’t believe it until two days later, when the stick literally said, “Pregnant.” And even since then, I don’t think it has felt real. One week after we read the “P” word, we settled on our first house. And probably everything since then has been a total blur.

I’m already 12 weeks along? The first trimester of my pregnancy is complete? What?! This is crazy to me. Someday I will look back on these short 9 months and think, “it happened so fast…” But I already feel that way! I need to take more time to sit and just think about what is happening in our life. To sit and pray for this child that hasn’t even come yet. To pray for this baby that someday will start middle school, graduate high school, get married and have babies of their own. It’s so far beyond me that I am going to be a parent. That for the rest of my life, I will be somebody’s mom.

Once again, through this short journey that I’ve only experienced a third of, I have recognized that I could not have had a better partner in life. There are definitely days where I am losing it and he can’t do hardly anything right…. 🙂 But I really can’t say enough about him. I want to uplift him and brag about how wonderful he has been to me through this. That he makes dinner and cleans up without me asking. That he doesn’t care what I want to eat or not eat, he just wants to find the right thing for me. (Lately it seems to be mashed potatoes and McDonald’s ice cream cones, by the way.)

Every day, I’m more amazed at the miracle that’s happening to us. If the amazing creation of babies isn’t proof enough that God is real, I don’t know what possibly could be. My only hope is that from day one, this baby’s life is dedicated to the God who made life happen.

I guess this is just the beginning!

Well, we’ve officially been living in our house for one week and one day. I don’t think we had any idea what we were getting into. It’s really going to be great once it’s finished. It’s exciting to know that all this work will be worth it at the end. For now, it’s all a little much. Packing and moving is enough in itself, but add painting every room, redoing countertops, remodeling bathrooms, and the list of small things just keep adding up! And to add to it, I am now immobile. Hurt my ankle at youth group, and am on crutches with a splint. Ha! Poor Tyler.

What I have learned through this process – I don’t think I could have chosen a more patient partner for me. He has been working every single day for the past 3 weeks, after everyone else goes home trying to get things together. He is focused on taking care of me now that I am a total invalid, and really hardly ever complains. I know he’s probably losing his patience, (only because I would have by now) but he doesn’t let me know it.

I wonder sometimes how I married into such a wonderful family – to treat me like their own family and take care of me while I’m so far away from my own relatives. I know it was God’s will for me to have followed this path, but sometimes I can’t wrap my brain around why He wanted it to be so wonderful for me? Life is most certainly complicated, and I have gone through enough to know that it’s not at all simple and doesn’t always feel so blessed. It’s definitely overwhelming to sit back and look at where my life has come. No one ever thought I would be the one to get married and move away, least of all me. There are days when I can’t believe I live so far. But deep down, I know it couldn’t have gone any other way. There are people in my life now that I cannot imagine living without. People and experiences and places that have totally changed me and brought me back to the person I had lost for a few years.

Lately I’m just finding out that I am so much happier than I really ever though I’d be with the person God chose for me. No matter how wonderful things seem when you’re dating, I feel like everyone must have some questions about the idea of literally “forever”. I’m so thankful that I’m more sure of my forever every day.

A blog is a funny thing to me.

Because I could write for days and days. But do I want you all to know exactly what I’m thinking or feeling? Or who’s to say anyone’s reading this anyway?

We’re getting excited (I think!?) for this house thing. It goes in waves of excitement and stress. Today seems to be the day of stress and questions and lots and lots of pauses. I hate change. I hate that I hate change. Do I want my life to be exactly the same in 5 years? In 10. No – nobody does. But it still scares me. I want to throw away just about everything and start over… but I can’t! If it’s linked to my past somehow, I’ve got to keep it as a reminder. Trying to find a balance there.

As we start over again, I really find myself missing so many that I wish were here to share it with me. So many seriously wonderful friends that I am not good enough at keeping in touch with. So many that are so far past the point of words to express their importance. So many decision seem so permanent, and I don’t feel old enough, maybe mature enough, maybe myself enough to make the decisions without those who have been a part of all the other permanent life changes I’ve endured.

I’m trying to keep in mind that this is just another blip in the whole screen of our life. Just like my first move to Maryland, living with Ty’s parents for a while, my first job, our first apartment. Just another first. Soon, it will just be another memory. Maybe this is a lesson in cherishing those things that we wish we could have back. Someday, this will be one of those times. A memory that you can’t get back.

Scrambling to catch just the right moment to freeze time; all the while, you’re missing the moments right in front of you.

Don’t get me wrong, this really is a fantastic step in our life. And I can’t wait for it. But there are days where I get stuck inside myself and one thing rolls into another and suddenly my whole life: past, present, future – is wrapped up into one decision.

Through the stress and questions, I remain thankful. Thankful for the clarity we were granted to make this decision. Thankful for people placed specifically in my life for this time. Thankful that I’m loved so far beyond anything I could begin to deserve. These are the words that really matter.

1 Corinthians 10:13 “No test or temptation that comes  your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; He’ll always be there to help you come through it.”